elanya

It's still me!

not much has changed!

I had a weird weekend, all my games were cancelled and Nary was away on an impromptu trip to pick up her kid from University, so quiet.

The weekend before, though, we went on a trip up north-ish to the Bruce Peninsula and were there for the duration of what turned otu to be a pretty major ice storm. It didn't really affect us much, luckily, just meant we decided to write rather than watch TV because we didn't need the internet for that. the power flickered where we were staying but no long outages. I had to get out of the car and move a fallen tree so we could get out of the cottage driveway on Sunday. But also it was really beautiful. Ice storms truly are terrible beauty.

I'm into my last few weeks of having Fridays off and I am going to miss them, 4 day work week when :p

Still on a KJ Charles kick so listened to more of her books, and then last week Legends and Lattes, which was cute but not enthralling, and now I'm back on KJC.

Rare Kink Buffet opened last week and author reveals are on Wednesday so I'll be back with the, uh, 11 fics I wrote for that afterwards. It's nice because people really will read stuff there fandom blind to some extent, so things I would not otherwise have expected to be appreciated by more than like, 1-2 people have gotten at least a little attention. But things I thought might be more popular have not so hey, mixed bag.

I am working on another beastly installation of my AWRR AU, it's over 7 k. That is long for me. I'll be shocked if I can keep it under 10 :x

Not much more to say I don't think - time to give Hades his night dins and think about writing.

I keep meaning to get back into a more regular journalling habit, and I keep... not doing that. Patlry because I need mental time to decompress from work and what time is left I usually use for other things like games, or writing, or other social things.

But I'm still here! I read more than I comment on most stuff. I'm probably most active on tumblr, if by active you count just reblogging all the things with no commentary and half the time no tags. It's just so easy to be mindless :p I watched all of The Dragon Prince and I think probably that's been dominating my fandom content lately. Aaravos is just so damned pretty.

I have been doing other things. I still have three games - Ye Olde Adventure Worlde, Ashnabis, and Fuck Squad. And Larp. So four but I always categorize LARP differently. I'm like....close to being finished another shawl already. This one has gone super fast. I recognize that being 25 rows from the end of a half circle shawl is sill pretty far off but it has been going really fast! It is not my usual colours, but I'm hoping I will still wear it. I'm also most of the way through another pair of socks, which is good because I'm starting to loose some to wear. Oh well, I know what my next sock pattern will be already! I've been on a kick for fairly simple patterns lately, so they've been going fast. I've also been writing more regularly without as much of a post-yuletide slump. I'm hoping I can get finished another short fic for this fan-flashworks - I'm close to being finished the row on my card, and I've been enjoying contributing there again. ON the other hand, I'd started this year with plans to maybe start writing an actual novel and that has completely not happened even a little. Or, well, I made half a page of notes and a playlist. I haven't forgotten, I just haven't done anything with it yet.

The biggest news is that I am officially getting promoted to Collections Manager at work. This is basically reflecting what I have been doing since September anyway, but it comes with a significant raise over the contract position I was hired into to years ago, which was explicitly not a management job (even though I have been managing people and resources there from the get go). The authority and responsibility are still a mental shift, but the pay is like...even more of a livable adult range than what I had been making. And I'm not really planning to change my living arrangement so hopefully I can start ding other adult things like actually saving for the future, or getting a car. This is still a contract position, but considering where things have been going and how much responsibility I'me being given, I am confident that even if this contract doesn't get renewed as is, there will be something for me, and if there isn't, I should have enough experience to move on easily. So apparently I have a career and I feel pretty good about that except for the impostor syndrome and general traumas of academia, wooh! I do find it difficult to reconcile different aspects of my life, but I do plan to continue enjoying it as much as I can. Work can be stressful and frustrating but I feel like what I am doing is important and meaningful and it can be pretty rewarding. I'm hoping I can keep making things better.

What else... Jola is still doing about the same. Her lump has grown more, but she's been more active since the weather has started getting warmer and has really been pressing me to go for longer walks. I need to find a way to protect her foot though, because she drags it a bit and it is wearing down her nails so much they'd been bleeding. I have paw protectors I use for her in the winter, but the friction is not really what they're built for and they've been wearing out too fast. I'll have to see if I can get her a more durable bootie and hope she'll wear it. Because the top of her foot is what drags, I'm afraid anything else is gong to have the same issue. But I guess I'll get 4 in a set and only need 1 at a time, and I don't really know how long they need to last still >.>

I think that's it! I have 10 days of vacation this year and am trying to decide how to use it. I think I might go see my dad on my own for a bit, as I know he'd like that. Maybe we'll do Webercon again this year too. And then - I don't know. I have so many friends scattered all over the place that I'd like to visit, and I might try and set aside some time for a trip out west to see people there if I can. 10 days in a year is really not so much, unfortunately, but I'm lucky as I do also get some days around Christmas and New Years that aren't counted towards that.

My plans this weekend though are to see if I can finish this story, work on my Jukebox signup, and have game tomorrow.... not so ambitious.

Got in last night, mostly just hung out and chilled Kids were up suuuuper late.

I ran my game this afternoon (went okay), and then we had TURKEY even though no one is are really Americans (Nary is technically, and she and Forthright work in the US, but that doesn't count). We just wanted Turkey. It turned out really well! We had the pie I made with it, which also turned out really well - A++ would make again!

Then after dinner we played Forthright's game, which was super awesome! The character I had was a ton of fun to play, even if he was not super great at his job.

And then we played some Drawful - the second version where you can make up your own prompts, and it was hilarious! I skipped out on the last few games to shower and theoretically go to bed.... and yet, here I am.

Tomorrow is going to be all simpler games - Goblin Quest and No Thank You Evil (ponies version). And maybe a bub-run NYTE as well?

and then Nary's game on Sunday AM/PM :3

It's great to see folks and hang out and do sooo much gaming, though it is an intensive weekend and I don't get a lot of sleep because smalls. Next week at work is going to be fun?

Day three of the conference was also great! The last session was super informative about some of the issues of underwater archaeology in Ontario, and I did a little bit more networking, including someone who is going to be relevant to my job stuff in the near future. So hopefully that was beneficial! It made me itch to get back into doing research again, though and.... I doubt that will ever happen. Especially not for maritime landscape stuff. Pleh :/

It was snowing as I was making to leave, and it took so long to get ahold of a cab I was worried about missing my train! But I didn't, I just didn't get anything like lunch, and bought a bag of overpriced chips from a station vending machine to tide me over.

And then on the walk home from the station on this end of things, it was snailing! That's snow/hail :p It wasn't too bad though, as I was dressed for it and it wasn't blowing in my face.

Tonight I made a brownie pie in a cream cheese crust. I was not overly fond of the crust, in the end. I'm sure it could be made well, but I don't think this was the right recipe. The brownie bit was delicious though! I also looked over stuff for the oneshot I'm running next weekend at Windsorcon (the northerly counterpart to Webercon. Much smaller, for now...)

I really need to start my Yuletide story. I have an idea, I just need time to write...

PS I'm still sick. Still coughing, still have a head full of crud, and a resurgence of a sore throat for the past two and a half or so days. Pleh again!

Knit night was tonight, and I'm now about 12 rows from the end of my second to last chart of pulled by the sunset. Nary met us there, so she got to meet some of my local peeps

I'm probably going to a conference for work! They might even pay for the registration!

And I got paid for my story today too! All around a pretty good day, and off to Toronto tomorrow :3

I'm in Windsor, and on my phone. I predictably failed to pack a bunch of stuff, but nothing crucial afaik. I leave on Sunday.

Uhhh, what else. I finally finished watching Daredevil. Yeah, I'm a bit behind... Jessica Jones next, then Luke Cage. We'll probably finish Rebels while I'm here too, and hopefully get through reading more of Dark Disciple. Woohoo!

Everyone else is in bed like a responsible adult. I should try and sleep and readjust my sleep schedule for starting work next week :3

I'm home in London again, and I'm up too late, again.

I didn't accomplish too much today, unless you measure your accomplishments in terms of media consumption. I'm into season 4 of Clone Wars, and just about at the end of season 2 Daredevil. Which I have been amusing myself as reading mentally as Dared Evil. Matt Murdoc is a tool; Karen is everything. Frank Castle is also really rad.

I caved and I have decided to do the beading on my shawl. Having never done anything with beading before, I guess we'll see how it goes! I did not thing to bring my Queen Anne's Lace shawl to block which I was there, so it will have to wait a bit longer. Longpig did manage to block her shawl in my room while I was away, and it looks stunning.

I am going to try and write that cover letter tomorrow - really I will, honest! I also need to take pics of stash and upload them to ravelry.

I got tea in the mail! Thank you again, tea angel! The first one I tried was super delicious and just what I had been searching for, yay!

I feel like there is something else from today but I cant think what, so I am just going to go take a shower and sleep in my own bed.

This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy.

The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted.

It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us.

Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out.

I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them.

I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that.

As I said yesterday, I'm very lucky to have a chance to go back home for Cat's memorial service. I'm flying out tomorrow morning and coming back on Monday. I'm only taking my phone, to reduce hassle and baggage, so I will probably not be online terribly much, and probably not be able to keep posting (practically) daily, but we'll see.

Thanks to everyone who has offered condolences/sympathy/support. I am having a much better coping time at the moment, we'll see how that lasts over the weekend.

IN other news, I did start some new tings - I started reading a book of Connie Willis short stories that Nary lent me, and I cast on a glove. I keep thinking how much Cat would hate the colours. He did not share my appreciation of a full fall palate.

Thank you to everyone who passed on their condolences, I really appreciate it.

I'd known my friend Cat (his name was Matthew, mostly we called him Cat or Mister Cat. he went by Balthcat online. Cat) since I was at least elementary school. We (my sister and I) used to pretend to be kitties with him and an older girl, Robin L. I remember one early encounter where he showed me some little wart or blister on his finger, and tried to convince me it somehow held the power of life or death over his mother. We were never more than playground friends at that point, but we both remembered those days from the Smythe Street afterschool program later on, and marveled.

We met back up again in highschool. He was younger than me, but was friends with a guy (also younger, he had skipped a grade or two) in my after-lunch history class, so he would come and hang out and chat until it was time to leave. I met a lot of other really close friends through him. He was there, coincidentally, when I first started LARPing, and we got to know each other better after that, too.

I have always had a pretty active online life, and I've managed to integrate a lot of rl friends into that in ways where it is hard to separate the two. I have an irc channel that is mostly scattered RL friends, who have become at least internet friends with each other because of that. I successfully crossed streams, in that way.

Cat was part of that. As our original local friend group dispersed, we kept u with online gaming and such, and he was part of that. I think I have seen or talked tho him online in some form for pretty much everyday for, literally decades, in more or less depth (he worked nights sometimes, and a lot of it was general group chats, but he was always *there*. We were pretty close. I feel awful that while I noted his absence, I didn't *remark* on it sooner. I don't think it would have mattered. he had a crazy sleep schedule, and I was really busy this weekend. i still feel like a total heel. We played a game on vassal on Monday night and I wondered where he was, because he should have played with us, but he never showed up and we got sucked into the game. Apparently he never showed up to work that day, and one of his coworkers had the cops go check on him. The last time he was active online that anyone can find was Friday. We don't know what happened, and may not find out for months. He was 36, and lived physically alone other than his two kitties, Deimos and Phobos who now need new homes. He had a huge sprawling online community, including our 'home' group, various music sharing forums and chats, and some furries he's been friends with since highschool. I think we have found them all, but I'm still not sure. I hope so, anyway.

In a very lucky strike, there is a new airline that has opened that has really cheap flights back east, so my sister and I, with the help of friends, because the airports for these 'cheap' flights are not close, are going to be able to go home for the memorial. I'd like to be able to help a little with cleaning out his place, because, uh, his mother should not have to, and there are things there he wold not want her to see/deal with. I'm glad I get to go, but sad that I will miss this weekend with Nary, who was also a rl friend of his, and who is stuck with the second week of the course that is already paid for. Bleh. But her husband and son and dog are coming up with her, and Wererogue and the kids and our dogs will still be here, so at least she will have lots of good sympathetic company. Well, maybe not the kids. They'd met Cat but I don't think they remember, and probably don't understand :/

Anyway. I will probably have more things to say on this, but for right now that's all my mental energy. I am going to watch some Clone Wars with Nary because relative mindlessness.