elanya

Not too much to say - it is too late and I meant to be in bed. There were ridiculous shennanigans at ex-work that are not My Problem (yet), so lol. I spent too much money on Star Wars comics today. I ate some feelings when mediawiki updated and broke the Rocksfall wiki and I can't fix it yet. I missed a bus by less than a minute and wasted part of my afternoon buying junk to kill time and being buffeted by crazy winds. Such was my day. I sleep now.

Let's try doing an update earlier in the evening, not after I remember when I should be going to bed.

I woke up a little earlier this morning after slightly better sleep, and got out of bed sooner, and took the dogs for a slightly longer walk. I didn't wind up going to the mall with my sister, because she wasn't feeling up to it after a night of poor and disrupted sleep (dog freaking out over thunderstorm + children).

I decided I should do something productive today, so I did my taxes, and I should be getting a very nice refund. I also did my 2007 Taxes, which means I am now all squared away, as I ceased to be a tax resident of Canada in 2008 after living out of the country for too long. Anyway the taxes from those years were pointless - I never owed anything, never got anything back, and basically just keep putting up my tuition remission backlog. So that's nice, anyway. Not sure when it will actually get processed, but we'll see. Then I spent the rest of the evening working on getting Cat's dice roller script working. I have gotten it to a functional state, where it will roll xdx+/-x, but I think the copy I have is an older version, and it doesn't have worked out how to do xdx+xdx+/-x. If I had a better idea what I was looking for when I copied it I probably could have gotten the right thing :( But I still feel good about having it, and having it functional in this state, and knowing that if I do figure out how to rebuild it I will be working from Cat's work. I can feel him psychically shaking his fist at me for not getting the right thing, and not getting a copy of it from him while he was still alive.

Going in to the museum tomorrow, where I will scan the 2007 documents before sending them away. I might also go early or (more likely) stay late and take this computer in to get the power cord looked at/fixed. But only if I get everything backed up before I go.

What's next for me tonight though? I'm not sure. Probably knitting and tv.... I'd say writing but my current projects are mostly still just percolating. I can poke some at the Underworld thing I guess?

Today I got the official word that I didn't get the job with Parks Canada I'd applied for. that took.... almost a year. 10 months. A really long time. I emailed to ask why I wasn't selected, and apparently the hiring manager will send me something, so I might at least learn something from the experience.

I did get together everything I need to apply to the local job, at least, including securing references. I am going to get one from the curator at the museum, as she knows me and has a general sense, at least, of what all I was doing at SA. I also learned today that people are using my workflows and are pleased to do so, so I'm super happy about that. I kind of worried that once I left no one would pay any attention to them :3

Today was also the day that we got a box in the mail of Things that used to belong to Balthcat. Not a lot of things - but he used to collect cat figurines, and the friend who was helping his mother asked if she could send some to his close friends. In a few cases, they were ones we had given him... I got back a miniature venetian mast shaped like a kitty face that I'd bought him when I was in Venice in....2002? I also asked if I could have his fountain pens if no one in the family wanted them, which apparently was the case. One of them leaked in transit, and now I am covered in black ink. I also made, when I first moved away from my hometown friends, little 'tokens' to give them, and I gave one to cat. Since they found it, I asked if I could have it back rather than it getting tossed away. It is the sort of thing that wouldn't have any value to anyone else. Also, now it is spattered with black ink. I'm okay with that; it was his ink after all.

Today was the first session of Diablotin since Cat died. We didn't think it was right to ust end the game, but we talked about how to handle his character. it was ore informal and low pressure than most of out sessions (though a lot of work for our GM, for various reasons). It went okay. I didn't find for myself that it was worse than any of the other holes he's left behind. I still haven't gotten his dice script working, which makes me sad, but we have an interim one, at least. It is not as useful for various reasons, but it should help me get a better idea of what I need to fix in his.

Other than that, I've started a new shawl, which is coming along. My shoulder and hands are sore though so I may need a knitting break for a few days. Fortunatley I have a lot of other things to work on... But now, bed.

I am doing better today, and am mostly just tired, which is probably the result of being sick again. I blame winter + travel + riled allergies. It isn't so bad and hopefully won't get any worse. At least by the time I'll be going back to volunteer at the museum next week, I shouldn't be contagious. Sorry, Windsor peeps, no guarantees for you.

Earlier today, I went and found the last (I hope) of Cat's irc friends and let them know. There were a few groups there that overlapped quite a bit, so I'm hopeful that the news will spread to anywhere else it hasn't reached yet. I also set an email that people could contact if they wanted to leave condolences to his family or get in touch with me for any reason. It was not as bad as I had expected, but some people were quite shocked. I feel much better for having made the effort. There is still one channel where I haven't had any response, but I'll keep looking there for life... I suppose I could leave my message for the idlers but I'd rather know that at least one live person will see it.

Hopefully now that I'm finished that I can move back on to some other things. I'm still working on my glove, but I need some advice on making the finger caps that I'm probably not going to be able to get right away, so we'll see how far I get on my own. I need to work on Chocolate Box, and I need to work on a cover letter. I have a little over a week left for those, at least. And a mostly empty afternoon on my own, at that.

This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy.

The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted.

It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us.

Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out.

I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them.

I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that.

As I said yesterday, I'm very lucky to have a chance to go back home for Cat's memorial service. I'm flying out tomorrow morning and coming back on Monday. I'm only taking my phone, to reduce hassle and baggage, so I will probably not be online terribly much, and probably not be able to keep posting (practically) daily, but we'll see.

Thanks to everyone who has offered condolences/sympathy/support. I am having a much better coping time at the moment, we'll see how that lasts over the weekend.

IN other news, I did start some new tings - I started reading a book of Connie Willis short stories that Nary lent me, and I cast on a glove. I keep thinking how much Cat would hate the colours. He did not share my appreciation of a full fall palate.

Thank you to everyone who passed on their condolences, I really appreciate it.

I'd known my friend Cat (his name was Matthew, mostly we called him Cat or Mister Cat. he went by Balthcat online. Cat) since I was at least elementary school. We (my sister and I) used to pretend to be kitties with him and an older girl, Robin L. I remember one early encounter where he showed me some little wart or blister on his finger, and tried to convince me it somehow held the power of life or death over his mother. We were never more than playground friends at that point, but we both remembered those days from the Smythe Street afterschool program later on, and marveled.

We met back up again in highschool. He was younger than me, but was friends with a guy (also younger, he had skipped a grade or two) in my after-lunch history class, so he would come and hang out and chat until it was time to leave. I met a lot of other really close friends through him. He was there, coincidentally, when I first started LARPing, and we got to know each other better after that, too.

I have always had a pretty active online life, and I've managed to integrate a lot of rl friends into that in ways where it is hard to separate the two. I have an irc channel that is mostly scattered RL friends, who have become at least internet friends with each other because of that. I successfully crossed streams, in that way.

Cat was part of that. As our original local friend group dispersed, we kept u with online gaming and such, and he was part of that. I think I have seen or talked tho him online in some form for pretty much everyday for, literally decades, in more or less depth (he worked nights sometimes, and a lot of it was general group chats, but he was always *there*. We were pretty close. I feel awful that while I noted his absence, I didn't *remark* on it sooner. I don't think it would have mattered. he had a crazy sleep schedule, and I was really busy this weekend. i still feel like a total heel. We played a game on vassal on Monday night and I wondered where he was, because he should have played with us, but he never showed up and we got sucked into the game. Apparently he never showed up to work that day, and one of his coworkers had the cops go check on him. The last time he was active online that anyone can find was Friday. We don't know what happened, and may not find out for months. He was 36, and lived physically alone other than his two kitties, Deimos and Phobos who now need new homes. He had a huge sprawling online community, including our 'home' group, various music sharing forums and chats, and some furries he's been friends with since highschool. I think we have found them all, but I'm still not sure. I hope so, anyway.

In a very lucky strike, there is a new airline that has opened that has really cheap flights back east, so my sister and I, with the help of friends, because the airports for these 'cheap' flights are not close, are going to be able to go home for the memorial. I'd like to be able to help a little with cleaning out his place, because, uh, his mother should not have to, and there are things there he wold not want her to see/deal with. I'm glad I get to go, but sad that I will miss this weekend with Nary, who was also a rl friend of his, and who is stuck with the second week of the course that is already paid for. Bleh. But her husband and son and dog are coming up with her, and Wererogue and the kids and our dogs will still be here, so at least she will have lots of good sympathetic company. Well, maybe not the kids. They'd met Cat but I don't think they remember, and probably don't understand :/

Anyway. I will probably have more things to say on this, but for right now that's all my mental energy. I am going to watch some Clone Wars with Nary because relative mindlessness.