elanya

I hope everyone had a good day! I realize that not everyone is super into this holiday, for various reasons. But I long agi decided to eschew the idea that it have to be about couples and romantic love and commercialism and as such I appreciate it more, I think. I am happy to be your valentine if you didn't have one othewrise, and were missing one! <3

I also believe strongly in being your own valentine, and using it as an excuse to treat yourself to something nice, take extra care of yourself and generally in... I was going to say a little more explicit self-love, which is uh, maybe not what i meant to imply, but sure, do that too! But take some time to love yourself, and spend some love on people you care about, no matter whetehr the relationship is romantic or not.

In that generalist spirit, I made valentines for everyone in the immediate family, biught some Paw Patrol chocolates for the nephews, and baked a lovely Valentine's Day black forest cake - three layers of dark chocolae with cherry pie filling in between, covered in stablilized whipped cream. I put a heart on top with the left over cherry goo, because hell yeah! And such was our family Valentine's Day cakewalk completed. It was relaly friggin good too, the cakes turned out super moist. It's a classic combination from my childhood, but even though I have made it with real cherries before, I actually think it is better with the pie filling. It bears a passing resenblance to an authentic black forest cake, if your idea of authenticity has never encountered the sorts of things that Germans to do their cakes (soak them in liquor).

I also did do some of the more couply bits of the holiday as well, though I don't think the gift I sent arrived in time. But I got some fox slippers (to go wth my fox onsie, of course), and some little Clone Wars figurines :3 Obi-Wan and Kit Fisto! Kit Fisto has the worst name, but he is actually super rad.

I think that's all I've got folks - back to the museum tomorrow, and I need to remember to 3d print that tooth... and hopefully do some scanning! ....which reminds me to charge my mp3 player. I might need it.

This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy.

The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted.

It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us.

Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out.

I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them.

I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that.

What do you do when you learn that someone who has been a close friend since High School has suddenly died? When you don't live anywhere close? When his name is still sitting there in the IRC channel where you hang out every day, and have for decades?

ETA (because I keep thinking it): I guess today was a day for endings, and ghosts, afterall.

I slept in way late and had weird dreams. I'll grab the recap form facebook, since that was easiest to post to this AM:

I had a dream I was hanging out with my friend Mara. We were playing internet games and scratching lotto tickets. She and my sister had been playing a lot of the same online games produced by this one girl, where you could nominate characters. Someone (Mara or Nary?) had nominated a bunch of characters from tabletop games, and Mara had gotten a poster that had art of a bunch of Adventure World peeps, and we were trying to find where, and also find something with the 'invisible girlfriend' character.

Then we (? not sure who) were at this big outdoor craft/yard sale place - it was like a cross between downtown Bryan and the venue for the Woodstock Fiber Festival. I kept buying bacon cheeseburgers from the same kid for every meal. The third time we went, we parked close to where the cheeseburger table was. There wasn't really parking, but people moved an empty table for us so we could park.

Out of courtesy we looked at stuff on the tables around the car, and on one there was a pile of jumbled clothes that included a Fredericton Quilter's Guild vest (in the 80s, members had to make one). We have my mom's, so I was going to buy it to put in the kids' dress up box (where mom's is) so the could each have one. Then I broke down crying while talking to the woman who was selling it, who didn't know that mom had died, and I had to tell her.

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In other news, this is one of those days where I'm having to remind myself that I have, in fact, done things today. I walked the dogs (twice!), I vacuumed upstairs in the hall and in my room, as well as the stairs. I did some writing, I helped with dinner prep (more in making sure we had the required dishes and a clean table), I played some with the kids, and just now I made brownies and did some kitchen tidying/cleaning. I still feel like I have been sitting around all day doing nothing, pleh.

It's the new year, and I'm trying (again) to journal more regularly. This happens less because of the New Year thing, I think, and more because Yuletide gets me back in a more regular habit of engaging with the journaling world. There's also been buzz from a few corners about people leaving LJ because of the Russian Relocation, so I think more people are paying a bit more attention, which helps. I'll continue to crosspost, I expect, as I have been doing for the past few years.

I'm also stuck in the Holiday Time Limbo, which is worse because I don't have a real job at the moment. But that is bound to change....soon? I have references being checked. I have been told I am the desired candidate for another job if I apply for it. Basically I continue to be in Limbo, but glad to do so in a place physically and socially as well as financially where I can afford it. It is still not my favourite thing. Thursday I will go back to my regular volunteering gig. I could have gone today (I think), but lacked motivation. Anyway. I've been staying up too late and feeling like I'm accomplishing very little.

I'm working on an original story (original Mythos, anyway) for submission to an open call. I'm thinking about signing up for Chocolate Box (or Chocobo, as my sister insists on calling it). I've been doing lazy mindless and practical knitting rather than fixing the slightly more complicated project I messed up (and actually can't find when I did a half-assed search yesterday).

What else.... I got some really awesome mugs for Christmas. Two cheap-but-rad clear skull mugs from my aunt, and a lovingly hand-crafted vagina dentata mug from a friend who had them hand made for a few of us (me, my sister, and Nary, as far as I know). They're things of beauty, I tell you. Mine is red. I will drink from nothing but skulls and vaginas for the rest of my days (well I can dream, right?).

I've been writing things in my notebooks because I have some really pretty journals and I have fountain pens and it seems like a waste not to. Also I have about three on the go and I can probably finish at least one of the off just taking noted for the AU Colonial Call of Cthulhu skype game I'm in. We're trying to stop a serial killer from summoning an ancient god called the Devourer of Millions. I think we at least have figured out who it is now, and just have to do the actual thwarting, hopefully without going any more crazy (hah!) But it is complicated enough that it requires notes, and since it is skype, there are not logs to refer to, so actual note taking is handy. It helps me remember things better, even if I don't look them over. And I've gone all stream of consciousness here. Probably if I journaled more regularly I would be more organized about it (no.)

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Anyway! I did want to do Pay it Forward again this year. I'm lifting it from karanguni who lifted it from someone else. So!

Let's start 2017 off in a positive way with a Pay It Forward meme. The first 6 people to comment (and more if I can manage it) will receive a surprise from me at some point in 2017 - anything from a book, a ticket, something home-grown or made, a postcard, absolutely any surprise! It will happen when the mood comes over me and I find something that I believe would suit you and make you happy.

(If you don't like surprises and would rather have something off a wishlist and/or some warning, let me know in your comment. The goal is to make you happy.)

If you can, post this in your own journal and pay it forward. Let's do more kind and loving things for each other in 2017, without any reason other than to make each other smile and show that we think of each other.

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Also, this reminds me - I've seen people doing Fandom Snowflake, and I've seen people doing various journaling and year end memes. I'm not sure I am that committed, but I am open to suggestions. Is there anything you would like to see me talk about? Want to know more about me? My interests? Pet pictures? drop me a comment for that too, if you like!

...and with that posted, probably I should go to bed!

I just wanted to quickly write this down before I go to bed, because I had a really nice day, all in all.

Nary and co. were here overnight, and it is always nice to have some time with her and her family. We had a mix of Chinese leftovers and McDonalds foods for lunch, then just hug around talking until it was time for them to go.

After they left, I went and played with my nephews downstairs - they'd both gotten a wooden shield and sword for Christmas, so I brought out my practice sword (from Hollow Earth Swordworks, though I got mine at the Texas Renaissance Fair several years ago now), and we did some sparring games. Then we had a chat about how playing with swords could be dangerous even if you are trying really really hard to be safe careful (and they were so good about light hits! But not always as good about always knowing where their blade is. Spatial awareness is an ongoing battle; there is a reasons the swords are downstairs or outside toys!). Then we transitioned into story time! In which all three of us took turns telling stories, mostly about pirates. I told a few true pirate stories, then Bubby insisted they had to be pretend stories. So I told one about Captain Garrett and the Magic Treasure. After which he told one about Captain Garackle who stole the magic treasure from Captain Garrett. After which I told one about Garrett's crew saving their skeleton friend and swearing revenge. It was a nice little story building exercise, anyway! Nugsy was less confident in his stories, but he did tell a few, including one about a fighter who was friends with a Creeper, and a Creeper family, and some other ones. And then he made me read him one of their pirate books instead.

Anyway, it was really nice! I hope they had as nice a time as I did, but they certainly seemed to.

I've just been away for about 10 days on a road trip down to visit friends from Texas... We used to do our friend-con in March, but the reasons for that timing are no longer pertinent and it took a while to reorganize. But it was great, on the whole. There was some social weirdness going on from some corners, but whatever. I am really glad and grateful that I got to see those folks again! And the games and gaming were really fun!

I'll write up some drabbles for the ones I played in, as is tradition, but I'm only home in the sense of being back in my own country. I have a French test - step one in a potentially lengthy interview process - to go to on Thursday, so I'm staying in Windsor, since it is closer to the testing facility. I might work on some tomorrow between bouts of studying.

I have some scattered thoughts for stories of various lengths, the most recent inspired by the slew of paranormal story podcasts we were listening to for part of the drive. We'll see if anything comes of those.

This morning's Facebook memory was that my graduation was three years ago today. I still have mixed feelings about my degree and I'm not sure I'll ever get over them. ( And that about sets up the mood for this post. )

I'm not sure why it is easier to make any kinds of posts when all I have is meh news.... maybe because when I'm feeling better I'm doing other stuff and it is harder to find the time. I dunno, I'll try and balance things out, I feel like when I do make long posts it is always the same thing in just slightly different iterations. I need some new icons but I don't know what they should be.

ETA: Of course, having posted this, I just got a notification from a position I applied for back in March - they want to test my language skills. Not quite an interview, but a step in that direction I guess! And better than crickets.

A very timely question today from chairman_mat! The full version is: If you had to (decided to) leave where you live now (for whatever reason), where would you like to move to and why?

My visa actually runs out at the... beginning of may? June? I need to double check that. My employers here are not planning to renew it - unless I find some miraculous local job, I *am* going to have to leave where I'm living currently, and I have given a lot of thought as to where I would like to go.

The most basic answer is: wherever I can get a job. Ideally somewhere in Canada, but my visa is transferable is someone else were to renew it, up to 6 weeks before it expires, so that's still a possibility.

If Canada, I would like to wind up somewhere I already have some kind of social network, or someplace where I have an attachment of some kind: Windsor where naryrising lives, or London (Ontario) near longpig and wererogue. I have clusters of friend in Edmonton and could be quite happy there, an a quite large cluster in Ottawa as well. The other day I found a job posting for a job that is in Oromocto, which is right near my hometown, and I would love to go back there if I could as well. Tomorrow, in fact, is for writing cover letters!

What - if I haven't gone to bet yet, it is still the 23rd! That's how this works, okay???

fishmalk asked me what makes a good friend. Once again, I apologize for giving you a short crappy answer instead of a longer more in-depth one that the question probably deserves. Whose idea was it to post this during Yuletide? feh! At least I think I am done the treat I was working on, which bring my YT word count up to somewhere between 16-17k. So far! I still have until around 6 tomorrow to write more. I'm hoping for drabbles. Lots of drabbles... we'll see!

Anyway - friends! I think good friends are people you actively want to be around, and that you can trust. You are invested in each other's lives and want what is best for each other, but they are willing to be straight when they have problems with you. They are people you *can* be honest with, knowing that you can get through whatever troubles come out of it. Good friends respect you and respect your boundaries (and as a corollary, you should respect theirs!) Good friends are fun, but they are there when you are having a not so great time, and actually want to help you. That doesn't mean they will be able to, or that they will necessarily know how! Friends may feel magical, but they are actually not. Not usually. Good friends will help you look after yourself.

I probably have more thoughts on this when it isn't midnight and I'm not yule-fried. But I wanted to say that I am an extremely lucky person when it comes to my friends, and I know this and I hope my friends know they are appreciated! <3!