elanya

Ooof, what a year! But I was very happy with Yuletide, where I got two lovely stories and I managed to create far more than I have all year otherwise.

( Gifts for me! Lovecraft Country and Knitting Anthropomorphic )

( Things I wrote/created! )

I had a dream last night/this morning. I tried narrating it to a text to speech thing on my hone but all I got out of that was a Mess, so I'll try it here again. For context, I used to play percussion in a concert band and marching bands for yeaaaaaars, basically all the way up until I left Fredericton for good.

In my dream I was in a marching band with a bunch of people that I knew. Somehow it came out that they were also in a concert band as well, and invited me to play even though I hadn't done anything like that in a while. There were a bunch of people I actually knew in my dream bu the only ones I can remember are my friend Gale and Kennesaw, ho both played percussion with me. Also there was at least one Matt, who was a tall skinny guy with curly brown hair down to his shoulders who might have been compiled from a few different people I actually know, or just a random dream figment. I knew him in my dream, though.

ANYWAY, as with most of these things, I remember a lot of little details that I don't really know how to fit into a narrative, like how at first I thought they didn't have a base drum but then I saw it just wasn't set up, and stuff like that. We were supposed to be playing this piece and I said I could do the tympani. Only I'd gotten these bi-pride covers for them that were like flags that were supposed to go over the heads, as a surprise for Kennesaw, and I wanted to install it. It shouldn't have been difficult, but as is the way of dreams there were a bunch of stupid obstacles. At first no one could find the key, but it turned out these ones just had a slot in the top of the rod and could basic ally be turned with anything. They were like real tympani, in that the rods were weird - more like just regular bolts in some ways, and despite seeming to be in tune before I started, it turned out one of them was missing. I was messing around with all this stuff and not actually playing in the song and people who didn't know me thought I was just fucking around and didn't know what I was doing, including the conductor. At the end of the run through it turned out that there was someone outside the room (Matt! or *a* Matt anyway - it might have been a different Matt, possibly Kennesaw's brother) who was playing the part on the other set of tympani no one had told me about. So I wasn't contributing anyway and my efforts to put together the surprise were also thwarted and had to be abandoned. Also, my hands were hurting from playing the marching stuff we'd 'done earlier' (part of the dream backstory).

Someone, maybe Gale, suggested we move on to a different piece so I could try something else. But they were playing base and Tall Matt was on snare and Kennesaw was doing something else? So all that was left was cymbals, which was a part they hadn't bothered with before. I was keen to do because I think there is a lot of cool nuance to playing the cymbals well that's not just loud clashing (although there is that when appropriate), but my hands were so sore I wasn't sure how long I could hold them effectively. I woke up before I got to pay anything though, because my hand was actually *really* sore from yard work yesterday and then I was sleeping on it badly.

So I know where some of this comes from - I'd been talking to another friend online about my percussion background not too long ago and that's clearly still in my mind. Another friend was showing off a bi-pride horse blanket she got for riding and I'm assuming that's where that came from. The rest is more speculative, but maybe just a general sense of being underestimated and a general sense of frustration with circumstances that I think probably everyone is feeling at not being able to accomplish what we want.

In other news.... yesterday was a really beautiful day and I spent a lot of it outside trying to work more on the yard. I picked up more trash out of the "compost pile". Which is the trash heap that the previous house owners weaseled out of having to clean up by bald face lying about what it was. Hot tip: neither plastic, glass, nor electronics are compostable. I also worked on cutting down scrub trees along the fence line - mostly hackberries. Some are growing into the freaking fence. Some could be just cut with pruning shears, but some need more serious treatment and I sawed off - thus my sore hands. If I'm being generous I got about a third of them done. The trees still need further thinning but if we do that it would need professionals again. We cut down all the manitoba maples last year and it made a big difference, but I'm realizing how much more work still needs to be done. Of course the same is true of the house itself.... we've done almost none of the stuff we talked about, lol. Which is exactly why I insisted on doing my room *before* I moved in... Anyway, other than yard work, I spent a lot of time playing with the new puppy, which he deeply appreciated :) He's 7 months old today!

Hi internets!

I slept a very long time yesterday, and had some very strange dreams.

( strange dreams! )

time to go walk Sierra....

Hey all!

I've been terrible at doing much of anything lately. I haven't written a word since jukebox was due (I did a reveals post over here, and I think the story I wrote for my main assignment is definitely some of my best work. I'm stuck in my big complicated shawl and also the shawl that was supposed to be easy and mindless that i started because I don't have time to concentrate on the other one. My socks are going okay but I'm getting a little bored, tbh >.>

Work is just utter barely managed chaos and I feel like I'm dropping a million balls all the time. I am currently managing 7 people, between volunteers, students, and staff folks. They're all great, luckily! They're not all around every day and most of them are pretty self-sufficient. On Monday I'm lucky enough that I'll be able to start two of my volunteers in actual paying jobs (only min wage, which sucks, but better than nothing) on short-term contracts. But that is starting up a whole other major project _@

I seems to be falling into older fandoms more than anything else recently. I'm watching the original Japanese Macross series (I grew up on Robotech. Lisa Hayes was a personal role model). And of course I have fallen into a deep deep Good Omens hole after the new mini series. Unfortunately all the copies of the book in the house appear to be packed, or I'd be re-reading that too. David Tennant and Michael Sheen just really killed it, of course, but I keep wondering if I am the only one who thinks that Anathema gives off some strong Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez vibes?

Anyway, I don't have a lot to say about life.... It's otherwise about the same as ever?

I keep meaning to get back into a more regular journalling habit, and I keep... not doing that. Patlry because I need mental time to decompress from work and what time is left I usually use for other things like games, or writing, or other social things.

But I'm still here! I read more than I comment on most stuff. I'm probably most active on tumblr, if by active you count just reblogging all the things with no commentary and half the time no tags. It's just so easy to be mindless :p I watched all of The Dragon Prince and I think probably that's been dominating my fandom content lately. Aaravos is just so damned pretty.

I have been doing other things. I still have three games - Ye Olde Adventure Worlde, Ashnabis, and Fuck Squad. And Larp. So four but I always categorize LARP differently. I'm like....close to being finished another shawl already. This one has gone super fast. I recognize that being 25 rows from the end of a half circle shawl is sill pretty far off but it has been going really fast! It is not my usual colours, but I'm hoping I will still wear it. I'm also most of the way through another pair of socks, which is good because I'm starting to loose some to wear. Oh well, I know what my next sock pattern will be already! I've been on a kick for fairly simple patterns lately, so they've been going fast. I've also been writing more regularly without as much of a post-yuletide slump. I'm hoping I can get finished another short fic for this fan-flashworks - I'm close to being finished the row on my card, and I've been enjoying contributing there again. ON the other hand, I'd started this year with plans to maybe start writing an actual novel and that has completely not happened even a little. Or, well, I made half a page of notes and a playlist. I haven't forgotten, I just haven't done anything with it yet.

The biggest news is that I am officially getting promoted to Collections Manager at work. This is basically reflecting what I have been doing since September anyway, but it comes with a significant raise over the contract position I was hired into to years ago, which was explicitly not a management job (even though I have been managing people and resources there from the get go). The authority and responsibility are still a mental shift, but the pay is like...even more of a livable adult range than what I had been making. And I'm not really planning to change my living arrangement so hopefully I can start ding other adult things like actually saving for the future, or getting a car. This is still a contract position, but considering where things have been going and how much responsibility I'me being given, I am confident that even if this contract doesn't get renewed as is, there will be something for me, and if there isn't, I should have enough experience to move on easily. So apparently I have a career and I feel pretty good about that except for the impostor syndrome and general traumas of academia, wooh! I do find it difficult to reconcile different aspects of my life, but I do plan to continue enjoying it as much as I can. Work can be stressful and frustrating but I feel like what I am doing is important and meaningful and it can be pretty rewarding. I'm hoping I can keep making things better.

What else... Jola is still doing about the same. Her lump has grown more, but she's been more active since the weather has started getting warmer and has really been pressing me to go for longer walks. I need to find a way to protect her foot though, because she drags it a bit and it is wearing down her nails so much they'd been bleeding. I have paw protectors I use for her in the winter, but the friction is not really what they're built for and they've been wearing out too fast. I'll have to see if I can get her a more durable bootie and hope she'll wear it. Because the top of her foot is what drags, I'm afraid anything else is gong to have the same issue. But I guess I'll get 4 in a set and only need 1 at a time, and I don't really know how long they need to last still >.>

I think that's it! I have 10 days of vacation this year and am trying to decide how to use it. I think I might go see my dad on my own for a bit, as I know he'd like that. Maybe we'll do Webercon again this year too. And then - I don't know. I have so many friends scattered all over the place that I'd like to visit, and I might try and set aside some time for a trip out west to see people there if I can. 10 days in a year is really not so much, unfortunately, but I'm lucky as I do also get some days around Christmas and New Years that aren't counted towards that.

My plans this weekend though are to see if I can finish this story, work on my Jukebox signup, and have game tomorrow.... not so ambitious.

I wrote a reveals post for Chocolate box. I was INCREDIBLY spoiled!

In other news, I am "finished" the shawl I was working on in the sense that it needs blocking and washing and end weaving and I have no idea when I'll have a chance to do any of that. I've started a new shawl that I got the yarn and pattern for like a yer and a half or more ago, and I'm loving it! I also cast on some socks for bus knitting.

I've come to the conclusion and also come to terms with the fact that as much as I love my Karbonz needles, they are really hard on my hand. The rigidity and texture of the carbon fiber is nice in some ways, but I wind up holding all the tension in my fingers and after a while they ache. Wood or bamboo too better at absorbing the energy, so I don't have the same trouble. I'm slowly replacing all my dpns and circs, but I'm sad about it. OTOH painless knitting is definitely worth it.

Jola is doing okay - thanks to everyone who left comments on my post a while back, I appreciated your kind words <3. She doesn't like the cold overly much, so that's not helping. Today was a little warmer and she practically ran out of the house and wanted a much longer walk than she has been having lately. I think he mass had another small growth spurt a while ago, and she is on NSAIDs now instead of what she was on before, but otherwise shes been stable. I go back and forth on how long I think she's got.

Work is still busy but while there isn't really less to do, and my new contract is actually going to have a lot more responsibility on paper, but I am not feeling constantly overwhelmed. I'm getting into the swing of things and the new normal. Having things be less up in the air has been really helpful. I'm feeling much less pulled in different directions and I'm happy to see things moving forward.

I mean, pretty good but not perfect. I thought the AUs should all be further down, but the tops 6 are are pretty spot on.

Do your own here!

1 Hurt/Comfort
2 Polyamory
2 Found Families
2 Loyalty Kink
5 Enemies to Friends to Lovers
6 Seemingly Unrequited Pining
( ... )

So, Back in November - on Woolfenoot, to be precise - I noticed that my dog, Jola, had developed what seemed to be a large swelling on her right chest. I took her to the emergency vet, thinking she'd hurt herself some how and was just swollen, or that it was a fluid edema, or something. It was not.

At my home vet, they did a fine needle aspiration, then a real punch biopsy, and blood tests, none of which were at all conclusive. They did radiography, x-rays to start, where they thought it was maybe her heart (though I am still not clear why they were looking there...), and then a CT scan which showed the large mass to probably be a sarcoma. Well encapsulated towards her head, but with "stranding" where it led further back towards her tail. They didn't see any metastasizing in her lungs at least. The differential diagnosis from the CT scan, from the radiologist was a sarcoma.

Today I went to the Animal Cancer Center at the University of Guelph to meet with member of their oncology team, to talk about where we are, what is left to learn, and options on where to go next.

Thy think it is probably a sarcoma, but can't confirm that without further tests - specifically it would require another histology test from a biopsy taken with ultrasound (to make sure they are getting a good sample) to determine what kind/level of aggressiveness. They would also want to do an ultrasound of her abdomen to make sure that she doesn't have another issue already that would make treatment of this mass pointless. I think the CT scan actually covers all the area they'd want to look at, but they hadn't received it before the appointment because of some communication issues with my vet (they don't have the CT, they don't have the software to look at it, so they sent the Cancer Clinic to the radiology peeps). I actually have the CT scan, because we have the MicroCT at work (at least physically) and very definitely do have the software to look at DICOM stacks, so I have some images, and was able to show them to the resident on my phone at least. I am not going to pay $1300 for radiography and not insist on a copy :p

Anyway. Those tests (plus a urine tests to make sure her kidneys are okay for NSAIDS) are the very next steps they would do, to identify the sarcoma, and then it would be surgery, and then a regimen of radiation therapy. All of this would need to happen at Guelph. It would be a major surgery and she might lose her leg. She would have to be sedate for every treatment, and complications could arise from it and she would be very sick, and it would have to cover a large area. I would have to take time away from work to get someone else to drive me and her to a city an hour and a half away for each treatment and test. And then at best she'd go into remission, Oh and also it would run around $10,000 for the surgery and radiation. One without the other would not be effective - without radiation it would come back, and considering how quickly it has grown this time, it could happen very quickly, and she would have gone through a very complicated major surgery for nothing.

So, I am not doing any of that. I decided that at this point, I will do my best to manage her quality of life. I will keep her on pain killers (and do the urine test to see if I can add NSAIDS to the mix), and be careful with her, and monitor her behaviour and activities and general health to try and track her quality of life as best I can, until I feel like she is suffering too much.

I think this is the right decision, I think I have done everything within reason and possibly beyond, but I'm still really really upset. She's 11, which is and isn't old for a dog her size. She'd been very healthy all of her life. She's still eating and everything else about as well as she ever has, she's still a complete and utter sweetheart. I love her very much.

I bought her a very big bone when we got back to town.



( CT scan images under the cut )

Stepping out of the woodwork to record a weird dream I had last night/early this morning. I can identify some of the things that prompted it, I think, at least...

Weird dream last night/this morning that I was on a road trip with a bunch of larp peeps. There were 4 or five if us in a black car driven by D. F. He and the person in the passenger seat got out at some place (to do.... something?) leaving myself and A. S. in the back seat. It was a standard and for some reason he'd left it in neutral, and the car started rolling into the street. After a brief moment of 'wait this can't be happening', I desperately tried to get into the driver's seat to stop the car (I was behind the driver's seat). Only when I got there, my glasses were all fogged up and I couldn't see at all what was happening. I managed to get us stopped, but we were in the middle of a street. So I thought that it would be better to try and move off the street or more out of the way (only I still couldn't see well). we'd wound up in the wrong lane and there was an oncoming car that was trying to move around us as I was trying to get back into the right lane... The car was not running, still just rolling in neutral (I'm not sure how we'd gotten it moving again anymore... dream logic!). I somehow got us around the other car, but there was, for some reason, a GIANT (like 20 feet tall) snow bank in our lane, and I gently rolled into that.

At this point, D. and co. returned from wherever they had been to see the chaos that had ensured. he was pretty pissed but I think we gave him shit for leaving the car in neutral and it all balanced out somehow. Also we'd somehow arrived at the little remote chalet that sold fancy larp supplies anyway - we just had to get up the steep snowbank/hill on the side if the road. It was a nice chalet and they had some cool stuff, very little of which I remember. I remember A. caught some shit from one of the proprietors (maybe dream H. I.?) for doing people's nails to test out their nail polish selection? Also they had some cool little enameled metal puzzles and I thought about getting one for Wererogue, but when I was talking to the sales person, it turned out that my 6 yo nephew had been here like three months before and solved them all, even though they were supposed to be super difficult, so I decided maybe they wouldn't pose enough of a challenge. And that's basically all I remember at this juncture :x

I finished the first story for my fan_flashworks bingo card! And I posted to the community for the first time in... let's just say a while.

It's here if you're curious - it's a story about butts. Well, okay, maybe just one...

Now, I think, a shower, and maybe early bed.