This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy.

The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted.

It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us.

Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out.

I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them.

I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that.

I slept in way late and had weird dreams. I'll grab the recap form facebook, since that was easiest to post to this AM:

I had a dream I was hanging out with my friend Mara. We were playing internet games and scratching lotto tickets. She and my sister had been playing a lot of the same online games produced by this one girl, where you could nominate characters. Someone (Mara or Nary?) had nominated a bunch of characters from tabletop games, and Mara had gotten a poster that had art of a bunch of Adventure World peeps, and we were trying to find where, and also find something with the 'invisible girlfriend' character.

Then we (? not sure who) were at this big outdoor craft/yard sale place - it was like a cross between downtown Bryan and the venue for the Woodstock Fiber Festival. I kept buying bacon cheeseburgers from the same kid for every meal. The third time we went, we parked close to where the cheeseburger table was. There wasn't really parking, but people moved an empty table for us so we could park.

Out of courtesy we looked at stuff on the tables around the car, and on one there was a pile of jumbled clothes that included a Fredericton Quilter's Guild vest (in the 80s, members had to make one). We have my mom's, so I was going to buy it to put in the kids' dress up box (where mom's is) so the could each have one. Then I broke down crying while talking to the woman who was selling it, who didn't know that mom had died, and I had to tell her.

--

In other news, this is one of those days where I'm having to remind myself that I have, in fact, done things today. I walked the dogs (twice!), I vacuumed upstairs in the hall and in my room, as well as the stairs. I did some writing, I helped with dinner prep (more in making sure we had the required dishes and a clean table), I played some with the kids, and just now I made brownies and did some kitchen tidying/cleaning. I still feel like I have been sitting around all day doing nothing, pleh.

I just wanted to quickly write this down before I go to bed, because I had a really nice day, all in all.

Nary and co. were here overnight, and it is always nice to have some time with her and her family. We had a mix of Chinese leftovers and McDonalds foods for lunch, then just hug around talking until it was time for them to go.

After they left, I went and played with my nephews downstairs - they'd both gotten a wooden shield and sword for Christmas, so I brought out my practice sword (from Hollow Earth Swordworks, though I got mine at the Texas Renaissance Fair several years ago now), and we did some sparring games. Then we had a chat about how playing with swords could be dangerous even if you are trying really really hard to be safe careful (and they were so good about light hits! But not always as good about always knowing where their blade is. Spatial awareness is an ongoing battle; there is a reasons the swords are downstairs or outside toys!). Then we transitioned into story time! In which all three of us took turns telling stories, mostly about pirates. I told a few true pirate stories, then Bubby insisted they had to be pretend stories. So I told one about Captain Garrett and the Magic Treasure. After which he told one about Captain Garackle who stole the magic treasure from Captain Garrett. After which I told one about Garrett's crew saving their skeleton friend and swearing revenge. It was a nice little story building exercise, anyway! Nugsy was less confident in his stories, but he did tell a few, including one about a fighter who was friends with a Creeper, and a Creeper family, and some other ones. And then he made me read him one of their pirate books instead.

Anyway, it was really nice! I hope they had as nice a time as I did, but they certainly seemed to.

This morning's Facebook memory was that my graduation was three years ago today. I still have mixed feelings about my degree and I'm not sure I'll ever get over them. ( And that about sets up the mood for this post. )

I'm not sure why it is easier to make any kinds of posts when all I have is meh news.... maybe because when I'm feeling better I'm doing other stuff and it is harder to find the time. I dunno, I'll try and balance things out, I feel like when I do make long posts it is always the same thing in just slightly different iterations. I need some new icons but I don't know what they should be.

ETA: Of course, having posted this, I just got a notification from a position I applied for back in March - they want to test my language skills. Not quite an interview, but a step in that direction I guess! And better than crickets.

What - if I haven't gone to bet yet, it is still the 23rd! That's how this works, okay???

fishmalk asked me what makes a good friend. Once again, I apologize for giving you a short crappy answer instead of a longer more in-depth one that the question probably deserves. Whose idea was it to post this during Yuletide? feh! At least I think I am done the treat I was working on, which bring my YT word count up to somewhere between 16-17k. So far! I still have until around 6 tomorrow to write more. I'm hoping for drabbles. Lots of drabbles... we'll see!

Anyway - friends! I think good friends are people you actively want to be around, and that you can trust. You are invested in each other's lives and want what is best for each other, but they are willing to be straight when they have problems with you. They are people you *can* be honest with, knowing that you can get through whatever troubles come out of it. Good friends respect you and respect your boundaries (and as a corollary, you should respect theirs!) Good friends are fun, but they are there when you are having a not so great time, and actually want to help you. That doesn't mean they will be able to, or that they will necessarily know how! Friends may feel magical, but they are actually not. Not usually. Good friends will help you look after yourself.

I probably have more thoughts on this when it isn't midnight and I'm not yule-fried. But I wanted to say that I am an extremely lucky person when it comes to my friends, and I know this and I hope my friends know they are appreciated! <3!

I had a crazy, crazy dream last night that involved trying to break into a nuclear reactor to make it melt down so that we could time travel to the future and so survive the impending doom of the world.

I really love my dreams sometimes.

This dream featured:
Xypharan - as our driver
Kit - as someone whose car we needed to steal for Reasons (mysterious reasons)
The Toyota Camry station wagon that belongs to the people I am house sitting for - as the actual crime vehicle
The streets of downtown Fredericton - as the location of or mysterious car theft.
Some Very Steep Stairs - as part of the secret route into the rector facility.
Xypharan's galoshes - ???????

I don't remember a lot of details now, sadly! I know there were a few of us involved in the planning. I don't know how this was supposed to work *at all* or what the calamity was that the Earth was facing.

I know we drove to the reactor several times along the Secret Route, which I can still sort of envision. It was along a footpath, and then driving up some steep narrow stairs. The wheels of the car had to be just exactly on either edge of the staircase for this to work and it was pretty harrowing. Xypharan was driving.

I have *no idea* why we had to steal Kit's car, but I was very apologetic because we basically tricked it away from her. Possibly we needed a decoy? The theft totally happened in the parking lot behind the Fredericton City Hall though.

I remember only bits and pieces - the drive up the stairs is the clearest bit at this point. I also remember when the dream ended. Xyph stopped the car partway up the stairs so that he could put on galoshes over his very shiny pointy dress shoes. I was upset because this was a *very stupid* place to stop, both in the sense that it was a very extreme angle in a place that was not meant for carts, and also that it put us at great risk to get caught! I got fed up in-dream and decided I would help him get it over, but the galoshes themselves were so absurd (the were the rubber shoe-condom kind of ones, only they had shoelace ties at the toes that you would wrap around the toe of the shoe several times, so that the lace ran under your foot?) that it completely broke my suspension of disbelief and I woke up.

That's right - I was fine with the whole 'cause a reactor meltdown to time travel' premise but the shoes were too ridiculous for even my dreaming brain to accept :p

I can actually poinpoint where a lot of the elements of the dream come from, at least!

New iconset, courtsey of naryrising and Generalzoi's Pony generator on deviant art :)

In other news, I have taken in another stray - this time it is a person though! I have a friend who is home-displaced for the moment, and she is living on my couch until she can sort out something more permanent, or until Merc comes back (hopefully get things sorted though!).

In other news, there is now less than a week(!) until I take stuff back to the Bahamas and give my lecture and AHHHHH I'M NOT READY D: D: D:

I'm working on it, though, and I *should* be ready. Here's hoping! Better get back to it, at that...

I'm back - got in late last night.

Should get my dog back tonight/this afternoon. Have been scratched to pieces/loved to death by kitty in turns, so all is normal there.

Travel went smooth, mostly.

I'm at school, feeling meh - post travel blues. Hopefully once I start actually working some of that will pass.

I have the most awesome friends, and I'm lucky to have so many, scattered though they may be.

I still have no power cord for the laptop, ergo no internet at home. This also means that unless I'm at school I can only be reached "reliably" at my 979-696 number, and that I can only call people who have 979 area code numbers.

Jola is doing quite well. She is much less nervous around people, including strangers, and has been out visiting a few places. We've been going for long walks in the evening, which is helping with her hyperactivity! We were both up late last night, so even though I slept in for an hour, she is now sleeping again, and using my foot as a pillow. So cute! I have taken a bunch of new photos which I'll probably upload later. She's growing like a weed! Still no adult teeth yet, so I don't really know how old she is.

One of the super cute things she does regularly, though, si that she'll refuse to go into her kennel if she doesn't get some cuddles first. Serioulsy. I'll put her blanket and toys back in her kennel, toss in a treat, and tell her to kennel up. She'll come over to me (and try to climb in my lap sometimes, even) to get cuddle and hug, and *then* she'll trot right in. So awesome!

In non-dog news, tonight should be good - going to have dinner with friends, then watch Avatar, then have strawberry shortcake, and then watch BSG :D
I'm excited - can you tell? :V