elanya

Doubt comes in
And strips the paint
Doubt comes in
And turns the wine
Doubt comes in and leaves a trace
Of vinegar and turpentine
--Doubt Comes in, Anaïs Mitchell

( LARP whinging )

Accidentally stood up Megan at the gym. Then slept until 11. Then figured out that I had incorrectly posted grades after I thought I'd fixed them, twice. Then had a student snark at me because they didn't do as well as they'd hoped even after the curve. Then was late getting in to school to meet another student for a make-up exam, despite leaving the house 40 minutes early, because there was an accident on my bus route and my stop was missed for 20 min and then re-routed. And am now stuck waiting for a file to save in the copy room. And because I was sick yesterday I'm behind on course prep for next week and haven't touched the next grant application that is due, I think, on Sunday. And don't even ask about my artifacts.

Also I have some kind of horrible death plague, see above re: sleeping until 11.

Ugh.

Ugh

Went to the gym this AM with tethys123, locker FAIL. Things *eventually* got sorted. Did 1/2 hour on elliptical despite not gyming since the end of spring semester. Survived! Decided to do legs. Went to do squats, decided to aim for a meager 75 lbs on account of... not gyming since the end of etc. Didn't seem to bad, but due to not stretching or warming up properly(?), pulled something in my inner thigh on the first set. Bleh. Did back/side hyper-extensions and a ton of yoga and stretches instead.

Megan nicely took me to Goodwill, where I nabbed a VCR for $10. let the screening of anth films begin :V

Came home, went to Shipleys, ate doughnut while arseing on the internet, passed out for an hour.

Woke up. Showered. Tried to make myself do work. Got some books out. Made some toast. Ate some toast. Arsed around on the internet. Did a little bit of work. Passed out (sort of) for another hour.

Lather, rinse repeat. -_-

Just was forced out of what was closer to a 2 hour lie down by J who wanted out. Took her out briefly. I an still exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well, but my naps (when I can actually sleep during them, as opposed to just lie there like a legless zombie) have not been very successful. On top of just being *tired* now I'm physically tired from the gym as well. I have.... revised about a paragraph of the article I owe Ben for the end of the month. I don't have either the mental or physical energy for anything. I don't even know :/ This morning I had an epic idea for a really cute short story that wouldn't take me long to write, but I've forgotten most of it and don't have time anyway. too much work, too many other half-fulfilled writing projects...

Bleh. I don't think I've been eating poorly. I don't think it is bees. I don't know, maybe it is just the start of term. :/ I definitely need a new mattress (ha, how long have i been saying that? :P), but I don't think that can really account for all of it.

Bleh.

I *was* all happy because I got my package from hazel, with my awesome snazzy cuffs (to be pictured once I can put together a suitable outfit), and Jola's dog sweater (which fits...ish), plus SNAKS.

However when I checked my actual mail box, there was also a rejection letter from OnSpec for Keep off the Grass. At least with OnSpec there is usually some sort of editorial comment to show why something was rejected. This one, they apparently agreed (which suggests more than one person at elst read it?) seemed like more of a fragment of something longer, and didn't work for them.

Of course, it didn't seem that way to me, but I lack perspective. I could have seen if they'd said the ending was ambiguous, or similar...

I don't know. I really don't. the only other story I have out at the moment is Shadow of a Place to Apex, but that is a long shot. An especially long shot, even, as I submitted it for a science-fiction-y special edition. I do have some other stuff on the go, writing wise, but this makes it really hard to try and find the time to work on any of it, over and above my other commitments and general lack of time.

Fail fail fail! It does not help that I am already having a crap day, and am over tired but too strung out to nap. I just feel like I'm fumbling blindly through all parts of my life, and I'm never going to make it anywhere in anything.

1 - woke up sick - wheezy, congested, phlegmy
2 - woke up from horrible dreams about extended fighting with mom, Hazel, and Ian, where H&I were also fighting, but less. Also dogs, but not Jola,. At my grandmother's old house. No idea what the fights were about but I couldn't explain myself to either of them. Stress dreams?
3 - bees, still
4 - my toast tastes freezerburnt
5 - my feet hurt when I walk due to walking around yesterday in crappy shoes
6 - still tired.

Dare I go back to bed? Dare I not?

bah.

So here I am in Mocton. Buck was kind enough to drop me here 'on his way' home to Connecticut. I did get checked in shortly after he left, at least, though I was here super early. I pretty much slept for about three hours as soon as I got in (and was unable to connect to the wireless right away)

Once I woke up and got a cable so I could get hooked up, I read more about Gustav and decided to check the Continetal site as well. They were ofereing to reschedule flights comig in tou Houston for the next couple of days fpr free, and for fear of getting stranded in newark, I accepted. So now, I'm in Moncton, it's getting on to be too late to call relatives for social purposes, and I've just booked in to a fairly pricey, nice but really remote hotel with no restaurant :/ I did so because my flight was leaving super early and I didn't want to have to bother people at stupid early o'clock.

But now I'll have to do that on Thursday instead! Bah!

I'm also having mixed feelings about being alone right now. It is kind of a break to be alone and be able to ust sleep for a bit after being contantly surrounded by people full steam for the last couple of weeks. On the other hand... I miss people ;_; I'll get back to the fam again tomorrow (including the new bro-in law, yay!) but there's plenty of others that I won't see for god knows how long :/

Well anyway. I have a lot of really *awesome* things to post abot from the last couple of days, but I'm still trying to collect my thoughts.

I'll see everyone in Texas, um... eventually? :p

Argh, argh.

I do this a lot. I go as long as possible without real social human contact, and then when i do reach out for it (instead of burying myself in my computer and clinging desperately to internet interactions of various sorts, or work, or various creative outlets, or some combination thereof), it isn't always there.

This weekend I'd made plane, but they fell through because I prioritized a game. Tonight I watched some TV with a friend online, and (I suspect) missed my window for trying to contact some people. Now it is too late, really, and I'm still home alone, the same way I have been every day since, um, Wednesday when I got back. I saw Megan and Aaron briefly when I took Jola to the Vet, and I saw Cemal and some of the department secretaries when I went in to school on Friday, but none of that counts as meaningful human interaction. Now I'm feeling shut in and cranky, and trying not to take it out on Jola, who only wants to play alllll the time, and go outside every two minutes.

Argh, Argh.

I think I am supposed to go to Buttermilk by this time next weekend also - I've lost track a little there, and I need to confirm whether or not Jola is taken care of (cheez_ball - should I call?). I have follow up stuff form my trip I really should jump on, and other work as well. Instead, i've been staying up too late, sleeping too much during the day, and indulging some of my geekiest whims - nothing wrong with that on the face of things, but it isn't contributing to me feeling like a productive adult right now. Also now I am feeling more blah and it is killing my creativity regardless.

Bleh.

I need people :/

Remember when you were a kid, and finishig school for the term meant youwere about to embark on a summer of exciting adventures and wacky fun?

At least, that's how it always seemed. but really you'd be bored within a week and when you went on vacation you'd just fight with your sister and the summer camps were full of jerks. Well maybe not, but it never quite lived up to its promise?

Maybe I'm just being really cynical. I mean, I feel cynical, so fair enough right?

Its a rainy day. I suspect bees are probably on their way, because dang, it's got to be about that time by now, hasn't it? I am done school work but still have work work to do, and bI'm just tired of it. Even though I can see the end if work, it kind o scares me. Right now I have planned a research trip that is going to cost me personally any where form $1000-2000 plus, and I don't even know if I'll get anything out of it. Scary much? After that, I have no income lined up for the summer. Eventually I expect I'll get paid for Ice (I think they shell out royalties twice a year), but it probably isn't gong to amount to that much.

Oh, yes, I still haven't got my Canadian taxes done, and I haven't got those forms from ECU. So, bah.

Anyway, I have lots of stuff I could do this summer - lots of things to work on. I have papers I could polish and try to publish, including the one I started last year... and so on. I'll do that. I haven't been inspired for writing much lately, probably because I've gotten out of the habit. I'm trying to get back in to it by working on some fanfic I'd started ages ago and also a porny collaboration with curtana. We'll see. I'd like to work on more publishable material, and maybe re-work Happiness Man, or send in that Faust story somewhere. We'll see.

While I'm generally bitching, there are some other things that have been bothering me lately. I feel like I'm being a bad friend - or at least not a good enough one, lately, esp to people I don't see in person. I don't know if that is true or not, I just feel like I need more ways to connect to people. I feel like I've been really self absorbed or something, wrapped up in school, and that I'm generally useless and annoying. Maybe it is just that bees are close, I dunno. I worry and care about people, and think about them lots, I just never do anything about it. I always miss may birthdays - I know they are coming, but then it is the end of term and I'm suddenly wrapped up in finishing a whole bunch of stuff and have no money. 'It's the thought that counts' only carries you so far, you know? Even locally I worry that I'm taking advantage of people inadvertently.

And speaking of feeling disconnected from people - why is it that I can, on pretty much a whim of the moment, adopt a dog who is going to change my entire lifestyle for the next 15 years or so (I hope!), including limiting how much I can travel, limiting my potential for spontaneity, hell, even limiting how long I can be away from home over the course of a day... but I can't mentally conceive of letting another *person* in to my life in a way that might affect any of those things? You can't break up with a dog of it doesn't work out. Dogs can't even take care of themselves for a few hours when you're busy, no matter how much you make it up to them later. I'm not even willing to give people a chance - this is my time, and my space, keep out, I'm sure it is unhealthy on some level. Is it? is it just that i don't want to grow up? I don't know.

Anyway, Jola doesn't seem to want to go out, so I'll steal a few cuddles and head back out in to the rain to school :/

Bees are mounting, and so I've been cranky lately, and little things are making me feel snappish when they shouldn't.

And then as I was walking to the bus stop after class and talking to Megan, I tripped on a combination of my skirt and some uneven flagstones, and twisted my ankle. So since my reaction to pain is generally to get really cranky*, you can imagine my mood at the moment. I'm not cranky really, but murder is lurking under the surface.

So no only does my ankle hurt no matter what I do, I skinned my knee on the other side (not a real problem), and tore the aforementioned skirt. It is one of my favourites. I inherited it from my mom - it is the one that is mostly a dark pink and then fades to almost tie-dyed or drip-dyed purple, beige, and green at the bottom, with fancy embroidery swirls... Sadness ;_;

And almost all my dishes are dirty, and I'd have to stand to wash them. And I don't have any food I want to eat. And I still have to finish a presentation I hate for tomorrow. And etc...

*depending on what kind of pain, anyway. This kind of pain where there is nothing I can do about it (except take drugs, which I did, and there is ice on my foot now) and it prevents me from operating normally makes me cranky >:|

ETA: And damn it - I want a cheeseburger ;_;
ETA II: And I think I left my nalgene at the bus stop. And there was a dead cockroach in my kitchen -_-

Discussion group got over early. I am downloading my Elissa pics - they seem to have survived, now lets see if they are any good...

I need to do some writing - I haven't had much time to dedicate to Shadows and since I have an 'extra' hour tonight I may as well use it. Of course, I'm kind of in a cranky mood and I'm not sure that dwelling on writing gaming-based brain candy/mental masturbation is really going to improve my frame of mind. I'm sure the two people who actually give a flying fuck can stand to wait a few more days :p

I'm probably too bitter to work on anything else creative either, for anyone who might be wanting to read something that is more carefully composed. Maybe I should just stick to school work.

Semagic is even annoying me too much for me to bother trying to rant in here >:P