elanya

Remember when you were a kid, and finishig school for the term meant youwere about to embark on a summer of exciting adventures and wacky fun?

At least, that's how it always seemed. but really you'd be bored within a week and when you went on vacation you'd just fight with your sister and the summer camps were full of jerks. Well maybe not, but it never quite lived up to its promise?

Maybe I'm just being really cynical. I mean, I feel cynical, so fair enough right?

Its a rainy day. I suspect bees are probably on their way, because dang, it's got to be about that time by now, hasn't it? I am done school work but still have work work to do, and bI'm just tired of it. Even though I can see the end if work, it kind o scares me. Right now I have planned a research trip that is going to cost me personally any where form $1000-2000 plus, and I don't even know if I'll get anything out of it. Scary much? After that, I have no income lined up for the summer. Eventually I expect I'll get paid for Ice (I think they shell out royalties twice a year), but it probably isn't gong to amount to that much.

Oh, yes, I still haven't got my Canadian taxes done, and I haven't got those forms from ECU. So, bah.

Anyway, I have lots of stuff I could do this summer - lots of things to work on. I have papers I could polish and try to publish, including the one I started last year... and so on. I'll do that. I haven't been inspired for writing much lately, probably because I've gotten out of the habit. I'm trying to get back in to it by working on some fanfic I'd started ages ago and also a porny collaboration with curtana. We'll see. I'd like to work on more publishable material, and maybe re-work Happiness Man, or send in that Faust story somewhere. We'll see.

While I'm generally bitching, there are some other things that have been bothering me lately. I feel like I'm being a bad friend - or at least not a good enough one, lately, esp to people I don't see in person. I don't know if that is true or not, I just feel like I need more ways to connect to people. I feel like I've been really self absorbed or something, wrapped up in school, and that I'm generally useless and annoying. Maybe it is just that bees are close, I dunno. I worry and care about people, and think about them lots, I just never do anything about it. I always miss may birthdays - I know they are coming, but then it is the end of term and I'm suddenly wrapped up in finishing a whole bunch of stuff and have no money. 'It's the thought that counts' only carries you so far, you know? Even locally I worry that I'm taking advantage of people inadvertently.

And speaking of feeling disconnected from people - why is it that I can, on pretty much a whim of the moment, adopt a dog who is going to change my entire lifestyle for the next 15 years or so (I hope!), including limiting how much I can travel, limiting my potential for spontaneity, hell, even limiting how long I can be away from home over the course of a day... but I can't mentally conceive of letting another *person* in to my life in a way that might affect any of those things? You can't break up with a dog of it doesn't work out. Dogs can't even take care of themselves for a few hours when you're busy, no matter how much you make it up to them later. I'm not even willing to give people a chance - this is my time, and my space, keep out, I'm sure it is unhealthy on some level. Is it? is it just that i don't want to grow up? I don't know.

Anyway, Jola doesn't seem to want to go out, so I'll steal a few cuddles and head back out in to the rain to school :/