Blargh

[elanya]

Remember when you were a kid, and finishig school for the term meant youwere about to embark on a summer of exciting adventures and wacky fun?

At least, that's how it always seemed. but really you'd be bored within a week and when you went on vacation you'd just fight with your sister and the summer camps were full of jerks. Well maybe not, but it never quite lived up to its promise?

Maybe I'm just being really cynical. I mean, I feel cynical, so fair enough right?

Its a rainy day. I suspect bees are probably on their way, because dang, it's got to be about that time by now, hasn't it? I am done school work but still have work work to do, and bI'm just tired of it. Even though I can see the end if work, it kind o scares me. Right now I have planned a research trip that is going to cost me personally any where form $1000-2000 plus, and I don't even know if I'll get anything out of it. Scary much? After that, I have no income lined up for the summer. Eventually I expect I'll get paid for Ice (I think they shell out royalties twice a year), but it probably isn't gong to amount to that much.

Oh, yes, I still haven't got my Canadian taxes done, and I haven't got those forms from ECU. So, bah.

Anyway, I have lots of stuff I could do this summer - lots of things to work on. I have papers I could polish and try to publish, including the one I started last year... and so on. I'll do that. I haven't been inspired for writing much lately, probably because I've gotten out of the habit. I'm trying to get back in to it by working on some fanfic I'd started ages ago and also a porny collaboration with curtana. We'll see. I'd like to work on more publishable material, and maybe re-work Happiness Man, or send in that Faust story somewhere. We'll see.

While I'm generally bitching, there are some other things that have been bothering me lately. I feel like I'm being a bad friend - or at least not a good enough one, lately, esp to people I don't see in person. I don't know if that is true or not, I just feel like I need more ways to connect to people. I feel like I've been really self absorbed or something, wrapped up in school, and that I'm generally useless and annoying. Maybe it is just that bees are close, I dunno. I worry and care about people, and think about them lots, I just never do anything about it. I always miss may birthdays - I know they are coming, but then it is the end of term and I'm suddenly wrapped up in finishing a whole bunch of stuff and have no money. 'It's the thought that counts' only carries you so far, you know? Even locally I worry that I'm taking advantage of people inadvertently.

And speaking of feeling disconnected from people - why is it that I can, on pretty much a whim of the moment, adopt a dog who is going to change my entire lifestyle for the next 15 years or so (I hope!), including limiting how much I can travel, limiting my potential for spontaneity, hell, even limiting how long I can be away from home over the course of a day... but I can't mentally conceive of letting another *person* in to my life in a way that might affect any of those things? You can't break up with a dog of it doesn't work out. Dogs can't even take care of themselves for a few hours when you're busy, no matter how much you make it up to them later. I'm not even willing to give people a chance - this is my time, and my space, keep out, I'm sure it is unhealthy on some level. Is it? is it just that i don't want to grow up? I don't know.

Anyway, Jola doesn't seem to want to go out, so I'll steal a few cuddles and head back out in to the rain to school :/

Comments

[curtana.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sorry I didn't get your message on Google talk earlier, I was out grocery shopping and forgot to turn it off before I left. And now I've turned it off to try and get some writing done myself, before I have to go out and pick up Arthur. But we should get together and talk and plot and scheme, lovely lady :) When would be good for you?

[rumor-esq.livejournal.com]

You've got the grumps! I am confident it'll pass... probably a combination of a lot of things, including the end of school... that always made me a little melancholy about friendship stuff. You need to know that you're *not* a bad or slack friend to distanced folk, no, you're a great friend. Maybe you can't do everything you want to do all the time, but that's the same for everyone, especially when we're in school. We all do what we can and, yea, sometimes it's ok to lazy or selfish, too. It's necessary.

The dog thing surprised me, to be honest! It is a big responsibility, and for myself, I have avoided it the same way I avoid committing to real people. :P Interesting that I never really reflected on the utter dependency of dogs (at least, urban dogs) until you brought it up. However, just speaking from my own perspective, perhaps it's not the dependency of a dog or human you're avoiding, but vulnerability? A dog won't ever question you, never mind hurt you. It's very different from a human companion.

[etir.livejournal.com]

In a person-dog relationship, the lines of power are clearly drawn. You're in charge and the dog is utterly dependent on you. If it gives you trouble you can whap it in the face with a rolled up newspaper and say NO BAD. (This does not work on like 95% of men. The other five percent are creepy.)

It limits your time and options, yes, probably even more than another person, but you don't have to compromise with the dog, the dog's always going to be happy to see you when you come home, it's not going to cause any drama beyond peeing on a rug or something.

On the other note, I so hear you on the summer/childhood thing. It used to be a magical time when you could do anything! Now it's a time when its too hot and the lawn grows too fast and oh the bugs holy shit.

(As far as people go, don't feel too bad. You're not alone there either. Some friends of mine from college, who I saw every single day and get along great with, live a twenty minute drive from me. I haven't talked to them since new years.)

[forthright.livejournal.com]

I hear you on the whole self-absorbed / disconnected / wrapped up in stuff thing. I've been in a bloggy mood lately more out of not having anyone other than Julie to chat with, and remembering that, oh yeah, I have all these friends on the Internet. Super cool friends, even! I even dusted off Google Talk yesterday on the theory that I could actually talk to a person someday using the intarwebs.

*hugs*

[longpig.livejournal.com]

It does sound like incoming bees! ;)

I don't feel like you're a bad sister-friend to me, at least... I still feel very much connected, although of course I miss you like crazy. You certainly aren't useless or annoying.

I'm the same with [most] people, or similar anyway... Sometimes I am lonely, but I only want to allow them to take up so much of my time. I'm lucky to have a relationship with Ian where I don't get that claustrophobic feeling - probably because we're capable of leaving one another alone to do our own thing. Very lucky, indeed...

Anyway... I lost track of my point, which was basically that I think you're awesome and no more maladjusted than any of us. ;) I hope you feel better soon.

*love*

[autobuck.livejournal.com]

I miss chatting with you and watching TV when you're busy, but I certainly hope you're not feeling badly on my behalf. You're a great friend and one of my favorite people in the whole world. Do not let busy or bees make you forget that you are great!

I this Rasis is onto something with the dog; he'd certainly have hit that nail on the head if I had made that question. Of course every now and then fuzzy affection doesn't quite make it as a substitute for other people, but I'm pretty happy as-is, and I'm exceptionally weary of compromise. The cats don't really ask for compromises besides extra food. They don't listen like a dog does, but they don't give me no lip, either. ;)

It says a lot about what a kind person you are that you think "you can't break up with a dog." Most people consider it easier than breaking up with people. All you really have to do is put her outside and not open the door when she asks. But you also know the dog is probably not going to be able to fend for herself outside, long-term, therefore somebody has to take care of the dog. It doesn't surprise me that you hardly thought about it.

[etir.livejournal.com]

You're right about it being easier to break up with a dog than a person - for certain kinds of people. If you don't mind the dog possibly dying or don't think about it, it's the easiest thing in the world. Lan's never really seemed like that kind of person.

[autobuck.livejournal.com]

It's possible I was being a little cynical with "most" people, there. ;)

[oscuridad.livejournal.com]

1) this is why I resisted getting a cat until it became unavoidable (ie. the cat in question was too mental for most people to deal with, so if I hadn't adopted her she'd probably not be with us anymore). I could totally not handle having a dog, as you say they need way too much daily maintenence. I've also never really lived with dogs, my family only had cats, so I'm not as familiar with how it all works.

2) people are so so so so SO much more complicated than pets. I totally hear you on the not being willing to give people a chance. I know in my case some of it is routine, and some of it is cynicism. If cynicism in this regard keeps me from being miserable, I'm ok with it though.

[longrat.livejournal.com]

We still think about you - and I don't spend as much time commenting in your LJ to show I care!

And hey, dogs are COOL! :D