elanya

Marginalannie

Yesterday was the big day at the conference for me. I was part of the symposium that interested me most. There is some stuff tomorrow afternoon that is on my ‘must see’ list, but otherwise I’m just sort of killing time with random talks. I went to one this morning that was on “The Kittens of Colonialism”, which was cute and interesting, looking at the role of pets in European and Colonial European society, especially in terms of man’s relationship to nature and ‘the wild’. I just got back from a symposium on “East Asian” shipbuilding (quotation marks because there was some discussion as to whether this term was useful way of approaching the varied cultures of that geographical region).

Otherwise, I’ve been pretty much on my own all day. I was up before my roomie, and procured breakfast and later lunch on my own. It’s kind of odd. I know a lot of people here, some of whom I am legitimately friends with. But I didn’t bring any friends of my own, so I’m kind of stuck lurking on the edges of other social circles, and I’m a bit tired of it. And this is only day two. This is possibly why I have retreated to my room at 3 and am typing up this little entry on my non-internet-enabled computer instead of sitting through a few other talks in dark rooms about stuff I’m only peripherally interested in.

I have a few things I wanted to talk about: the conference itself, and also the social aspects. I’ve kind of touched on both of my points already, but I want to expand on both. However right this minute I am gong to an early dinner. Although I am stuffed with fancy delicious cupcakes! However I will come back to this, because I really do have more to say. I’m making a point form entry of things I want to talk about, but which you will never see, ha ha!

Alright then. I have returned, some three hours later. I went to that Brazillian place again with a bunch of other A&M peeps, including one of the profs (a fellow Canuckistani) who would up picking up the bill. Huzzah! This could be a good jumping off point for either of the two themes I want to look at more, but I’ll start with the conference itself, and Albuquerque. There also doesn’t seem to be as many session this year, or at east not ones I am interested in, and there really isn’t much to see in the immediate vicinity. The food provided hasn’t been up to standards either, for the various social events. I’m told the banquet diner last night was also underwhelming. Come on – students expect to live off of free food, how can they do that when all you give us is a meager selection of cheese and some dry nachos? And charge $3 for a bottle of water?

The hotel is right downtown, near a lot of restaurants and bars, but that’s about it. Well, okay, there is the gourmet cupcake shop, but how many cupcakes can I really eat? Don’t answer that. The last three SHA’s I’ve been to have been better located. Last year was in Williamsburg, and we could wander the village at will. The year before we were in Sacramento, and there were shops and a historic district with some touristy bits, and little museums and such which were all pretty close. Not so here! From where I’m standing, the city doesn’t seem to have a soul. I’m told Old Town is more interesting, and since there aren’t any papers I want to see tomorrow morning, I’m planning to bus out there and have a look around. Here’s hoping.

Moving on to the more interesting social issues. I’m kind of a loner. Only kind of. I like people (some more than others, and generally not strangers). I’m not very outgoing. I don’t like small talk – which I’ll define as meaningless conversation. I don’t like to talk to people about things unless I think they are legitimately interested. The converse is also true, where I don’t like to listen to people unless they actually have something interesting to say. Most of my life is pretty boring, except for the bits that I don’t have in common with 90% of the people I know at or through school. This is all to say I’m not a natural schmoozer, and even with people I do know I can run out of things to say quite quickly.

I know a fair amount of people here, from ECU and A&M, as I said above (if this is repetitive remember that I’m writing it in multiple sittings, and forgive me ;p). I’m friends with a few, but they all have other friends here, and they are more social. I was kind of a marginal person at ECU, because I didn’t get integrated into the core social group through various rites of passage, like fieldschools and some core classes which I managed to evade. That’s fine – I did have some good friends there, and still do. But it means that I am marginalized at these reunions as well. I haven’t stayed in as close contact as some other, partly because I’m also not integrated into the ‘cellphone culture’ – or in to the drinking culture. I can’t reminisce about adventures because I didn’t share in them. If I had good moments with some of my friends, they aren’t the sort of thing you laugh about at conferences three years later, really. Other people are more outgoing, they get more attention.

Oh here is another thing about ECU. There was a girl there who was slightly ahead of me. She was generally very popular, though I really was not a big fan for various reasons. She was never antagonistic towards me (unlike some of my other friends), but never anything else either. However because she did share more in various class rites of passage, she is more integrated than me into the social group. It is kind of awkward. I don’t think she ever said more than three words to me the whole time we were in school together. I was talking to an ex-classmate (not really a friend) on Wednesday when she came in. He went to greet her. I sort of felt like I should have left at that point, but I’d already been joined by my roommate, who, of course, couldn’t possibly be expected to understand the complexities of ECU’s fucked up social dynamics. It was awkward. Today, we both wound up on the elevator together alone. We both said hi, and that was it. It just seems so *weird* to me that I should have such a complete non-relationship with someone that I went to school with for a year and a half, even if we never did have any classes with. I was out at the bar last night, and sat beside her for ten minutes and we never interacted. And she knows A&M people, which makes it extra awkward. LeeAnne asked me about her once, and I didn’t really know what to say. ‘Yes, we were both in this tiny incestuous little program together and we’ve never had a conversation.’ It is just… awkward. It seems a little late to try and strike up any kind of relationship with her at this point, but the only reason I can think of doing it would be as sort of a social lubricant, not because I have any interest in her. I‘m still not convinced she is a nice person…. But then I’ve never talked to her, have I? I’d kind of like to ask her sometime why she seemed to decide that I was never worth investing any effort into as a person. But then I never did it either. Weird, weird…

I’m kind of a marginal person at A&M too. Most of my incoming class are more interested in classical stuff, and since I’m closer friends with my class, I don’t have a lot of friends who share my research interests. Which means I have no friends here. Of the few who do, one is pretty much done with her degree and has left College Station, and the other is not really a Conference type, and it seems like she’s been doing better at expanding her departmental social circle and I don’t know where I fit in anymore. My roommate here is nice, but I don’t *really* know her. She’s got her own special brand of social awkwardness that makes her a bit marginalized as well. Even so, she is better at integrating herself in to other groups (or at least more confident about trying), and she has a close friend from her MA program here to hang out with. However, as I was writing the first part of this, and before dinner, she told me she feels the same way I do about the A&M people.

There are a bunch of other A&M people here, but they’re all from upper years, and like the ECU crowd, they’re friendly but they are a more tight knit group who have a lot of shared experiences that I lack. And I’m not good at integrating, as I’ve said. If this wasn’t the case, I wouldn’t be writing this three page social self-analysis while there are hundreds of people downstairs I could be chatting with. My range of conversation is limited, for reasons I’ve party outlined above. I’m just not jacked in to the mainline culture in an accessible way. Last night for example, we were at a bar and people were commenting on all the modern pop trash that was being played…none of which I’d heard before. Not more than once, at least. I wish I knew a better way of dealing with this stuff, but it mostly makes me want to me *more*, not less antisocial.

I tried to post this earlier, which you all saw. Since then, I've been to the gym, and had a bath n the tub which lets me stretch out fully. I am more relaxed i not more social. I was going to go down to the dance, but there is an awards ceremony first, which I am not inclined to care about. I even got dressed all pretty and blowdried my hair even, befoe I remembered that bit. Anyway, I have sucked up up and bought some internets.... and here I am. Wooh! Later on I will make a post about highlights of the conference. There have been some, really :) And I will go down to the dance.