elanya

Since I have been here, and maybe even for a little bit before, I have been feeling fairly emotionally unstable. I feel lonely, and dissatisfied about a number of things about my present situation and future prospects. I don't know where I will, or where I can, go after this degree. My options are unclear at this point. I am worried that I will not live up to the expectations of me here - that my work won't be as good as expected, or that I won't be bale to pull off the things I am hoping to try. On the other hand, I have been very excited about some of these things. I like a lot of the peple here more that I first thought I might. I am really enjoying my courses so far. I still have fairly close contact with my older friends, even if it seems that I only get online for organized games for the most part. I've had a lot of fun with some of the opportunities I have had here.

I am trying to construct this in an organized way, but I'm not really sure if it is possible, so I'll just get on with it the best I can.

I think I have problems understanding how people are supposed to experience emotions. A lot of people tell me that I am too repressent; that I don't express myself very emotionally. And I really don't *understand*. I don't understand what the benefit is, for example, of advertising to the world that I am sad. If I go and cry in my room, it means that I have red eyes and confused neighbours. I don't understand how it is supposed to help me feel better - how that release is supposed to be cathartic. I comprehend the theory that sharing my pain with my friends is supposed to allow them to help me. I just don't see how that is put into practice. If there is something that can be done to improve my situation, sure, that is one thing. But generally if that is the case, I'm capable of seeing, and doing it myself. If in the meantime, I am still sad, what can they tell me that I don't already know? Is it suppose to be more helpful to hear from someone else that, for example, I am making friends here, and that the development of those relationships is just a mater of time? Why?

It seems to me, that when I am feeling down about these things, there are really two options. I can dwell on the negative - allow myself to indulge and experience it. I am not clear if this is supposed to make me feel better, or if it means that I am wallowing in misery. Is it a matter of time? Are we supposed to let ourself feel bad for awhile, and then go do something about it? The other option I see is that I can distract myself by dealing with things that aren't beyond my control. I can do school work, talk with friends about other things, play, dance, or what have you.

There are two, I suppose, possible outcomes of this second approach. The first is that I repress my negative emotions, and that once I am through with whatever I am doing to put them out of mind for a bit, that they will return. The second is that I actually replace the negative emotion with a positive one for the duration, and that the good things I experience are not necessarily underpinned by the negativity that I am discarding. It doesn't mean that I am not going to experience those negative feelings again, however, because whatever intially cause them is still present. Is that unhealthy?

I believe in Stoicism. This doesn't mean that I don't want to have, or to show emotion. It means I believe in not letting myself be ruled by negative emotions. Either I will deal with what is causing them (I am lonely, so I will try to make new friend. I miss my old friends, so I will make more attempts to stay in contact with them), or they are something that I can't control, so I am forced to accept the circumstances and work from there (my mother is dead, and I can't bring her back). There isn't a question of being able to bear these things. There isn't a choice, you just do it because the only other option is to cause yourself to stop feeling, and that's an unacceptably final solution.

Do you understand? Am I still missing something here?