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elanya at 07:19am on 27/09/2018 under dreams, life, stress, tumblr crosspost, twitter crosspost
elanya at 07:19am on 27/09/2018 under dreams, life, stress, tumblr crosspost, twitter crosspostI'm on mobile so this will be a mess.
I'm visiting college station and I just had a stress dream so bad that I woke up crying.
Do I have issues with my PhD experience? Gosh maybe.
The dream was very much inspired by reality but with heavily fantastical elements. I wasn't really me at all, I was a character, but that character's experience was similar to mine, especially on an emotional level.
As part of this program, we were supposed to make a dinner for the faculty to express ourselves in some way. I'm not sure what they expected - that was part of the problem. No one had really explained this to me. There was one person who went before me (who was an amalgamation of real school and LARP people I know. She put on this bug feast aytslked about the meanings of all the dishes as metaphors and I left to sulk and freak out because even if I had ideas and understood the expectations, I had no time to prepare because I was so busy. I'm leaving out some of the cool background fantasy things, like the moose and dragon wars, and the setting, but there were a lot of background politics about everything going on in the background too.
Eventually I went home to see my parents, and my mom (not my actual mom, clearly) and dad (who were divorced in this dream even if they weren't my real life parents) didn't have any good ideas or help anyway. Like many real-life situations where someone who doesn't really have the full context is trying to help but their suggestions just aren't practical. One if them suggested that I take the faculty out to the woodlot that my dad (my actual dad) owns and talk about that, for example, but that would have entailed getting them out there and still serving them dinner, and I didn't feel like the hike would have gone over well when what they really wanted was for students to suck up to them with food.
Some of the faculty were real people too, proffs from my last two degrees, haaa.
My parents essentially told me they couldn't think of anything either. My dream-parents (and it was my dream-parents who delivered this) didn't think I was interesting enough to have anything to express to these people.
Waking-up but still semi dreaming me decided that the best solution was just to serve them plain ramen, and to tell them that what they got out if me entirely related to what they put in, and so this is what they got. Maybe I would have things they could put in it with me and they could try and earn it, but this was basically a protest anyway, because is was an absurd expectation.
Anyway, it was stressful and upsetting and I do think that the fact that I'm in CS is related. Ugh.
However real life me doesn't have any plans to spend any time with my department other than my friend Megan, who I saw last night and is really the sole reason I came to town.
I'm visiting college station and I just had a stress dream so bad that I woke up crying.
Do I have issues with my PhD experience? Gosh maybe.
The dream was very much inspired by reality but with heavily fantastical elements. I wasn't really me at all, I was a character, but that character's experience was similar to mine, especially on an emotional level.
As part of this program, we were supposed to make a dinner for the faculty to express ourselves in some way. I'm not sure what they expected - that was part of the problem. No one had really explained this to me. There was one person who went before me (who was an amalgamation of real school and LARP people I know. She put on this bug feast aytslked about the meanings of all the dishes as metaphors and I left to sulk and freak out because even if I had ideas and understood the expectations, I had no time to prepare because I was so busy. I'm leaving out some of the cool background fantasy things, like the moose and dragon wars, and the setting, but there were a lot of background politics about everything going on in the background too.
Eventually I went home to see my parents, and my mom (not my actual mom, clearly) and dad (who were divorced in this dream even if they weren't my real life parents) didn't have any good ideas or help anyway. Like many real-life situations where someone who doesn't really have the full context is trying to help but their suggestions just aren't practical. One if them suggested that I take the faculty out to the woodlot that my dad (my actual dad) owns and talk about that, for example, but that would have entailed getting them out there and still serving them dinner, and I didn't feel like the hike would have gone over well when what they really wanted was for students to suck up to them with food.
Some of the faculty were real people too, proffs from my last two degrees, haaa.
My parents essentially told me they couldn't think of anything either. My dream-parents (and it was my dream-parents who delivered this) didn't think I was interesting enough to have anything to express to these people.
Waking-up but still semi dreaming me decided that the best solution was just to serve them plain ramen, and to tell them that what they got out if me entirely related to what they put in, and so this is what they got. Maybe I would have things they could put in it with me and they could try and earn it, but this was basically a protest anyway, because is was an absurd expectation.
Anyway, it was stressful and upsetting and I do think that the fact that I'm in CS is related. Ugh.
However real life me doesn't have any plans to spend any time with my department other than my friend Megan, who I saw last night and is really the sole reason I came to town.
distressed