elanya

I had my performance review at work yesterday. They love me, I knew this, my self assessment was pretty much spot on with what they said. I don't do the undersell thing on purpose, because in this particular case I felt it would be disingenuous. What, let's all pretend like I'm not doing more and better than what you actually hired me for? Nah, that's silly :p

Anyway, the review was good. I have some more structured 'goals' for the next year but really they are just things like 'finish X by this date, finish Y by this date, and finish z by this date' where x is the cameo glass, Y is the paintings, and Z is the paperweights. I don't remember the dates off the top of my head :p

The review itself was fine, but on the other hand I had it absolutely confirmed that they aren't going to renew my visa when it expires next May. So I went from thinking I would need a new job in fall 2015 to needing one in Spring 2015. I'd had conflicting information on it previously, but I had thought things had fallen more on the 'keep me for a full 2 years of work' time frame. Alas. So that changes some things.

I have been terrible about doing anything with my dissertation. I get started working on it and then I just stop. I managed to get my hardcopies sent to the archives, but I have failed to follow up on some other important connections. If I want to have a shot at an academic career (ad also not be a total dick), I really need to get on that. I need to write an article, and try and publish it, and I *also* need to make up some sample course syllabi for things I could theoretically teach and even possibly start working on actually preparing courses. If I still want to go into academia. So I really need to ask myself whether that is true, or whether I am too fatigued and fed up with everything, on top of my feelings that I don't really deserve my degree or that it is meaningless.

Maybe it is just imposter syndrome that makes me feel this way, but I have a hard time accepting that because I usually am better at self assessment (see above). I don't tend to undervalue myself, I don't think. I don't have a low opinion of myself or my intelligence. I just feel like my program has failed me in some pretty important ways, like I was not in a good environment to make my work be what I wanted it to be (and to have people to challenge me to really make it better), and that even though I have the degree, what I can actually do with it is very limited. I don't know what to do about it, or whether anything can be done about it.

These aren't new thoughts, I'm just really forced to face them more immediately right now. But hey - everyone has problems, right? At least I'm fairly healthy and I have a good place to live and such. I do have a job, and even on the reduced timeline I should be completely debt free by the time I'm done, and possibly even have some savings. A blank slate! Yay! Sorta - I don't think I actually have a real credit rating in either the US or Canada, so we'll see how that works out for me :p

In other news, I have some friends in town this weekend (speaking of people who have problems), and it was nice to hang out, more or less, There is some social awkwardness going around (see above re: everyone has problems) and I worry for folks while also being completely disconnected from things, and it is strange. They're still around today and tomorrow, but I don't know that I will see any more of them. I have a Tag Staff meeting at 3, which is an annoying time for a meeting, but hey - timezones. I don't usually have enough things going on on Saturdays for it to be an issue. I think I'm going to take the time to cook a chicken, wooh!

I have some other things I want to do this weekend, and on that note I'm going to make a to do list!

Oh, the only other thing I have to report is that I have been making movement on the whole 'getting my driver's license' thing again, so we'll see how I get on with that. I am going to have access to a vehicle this summer though, so I won't have any good excuses, other than the whole time constraint thing :p


To Do:
Tidy living room
Laundry
Pick up package form Post Office
Look over article notes
Look over email draft
Figure out what to say in this meeting
Staff meeting
Come up with a timeline for thingy?
Bake chicken
Ironing that has been lingering for 2 weeks :p
Hannibal tonight if I'm home?
Writing tonight if I'm home?

I feel like there are some other things that I'm missing... Ahh well - better get started, I suppose. Maybe I will put on some music to motivate me while I do chores. And there we go! Cheery uplifting tunes! >.>