elanya

I've been in an aggressive mood all day. I'm carrying around a secret kind of anger. I don't express it to anyone around. I swear vehenemently at people after they are gone, and am mild mannered and polite when they are near. I didn't even so much as shake my fist at the asshole fucknugget soccer-mom cunty cumslut who almost ran me over when she was coming out of the stripmall parking lot

So, that's an idea of my mood. Mostly, I hate strangers. People I already know don't bother me.

But lets ice this little cake of plesantness. Apparently Jason is 'really coming down' tonight/tomorrow. May be leaving as soon as, well, now, even. Or else tomorrow? He is supposed to be getting money, possibly in his account as of midnight his time, and will be e-mailing shortly to let us know for sure, one way or the other.

Meh. The idea of Jason visiting, for however long it may be, doesn't excite me. I can hang around with Jae, and have fun, but the concept of him is less plesant. He isn't aroudn to overshadow me with his charisma, I guess. Also, he is generlaly unreliable and that has begun to annoy me. Joel wouldn't place bets on whether he was actually coming. I'm not really holding my breath. But When he does come, I think I will feel even more excluded from life here. More marginalized. Less important. Nothing to contribute.

The conversation about Jason's theoretical impending arrival segued into a conversation about my unemployed status. Because someone would have to be here when he arrives, or in case he calls, and we don't have an answering machine. An answering machine would be really lovely, because it would mean that everytime I go out and there is no-one else home, I don't have to feel like I might be missing a job-getting call.

Not that that is very likely.

Joel says that it is very important that I get a job soon, because next month we will have no money at all. Well, gee, no pressure there, eh? Fuck off, it isn't like I don't go out practically every day. It isn't like I have resorted to temping at a frickin BBQ factory. I can't even get interviews for real jobs. *hate*

I'm not even rerally angry. I have anger, but I can't feel it. I can express it when I put effort into it, but I don't have the energy to live the emotion, if that makes any sense.

I handed out only four resumes today. It took me almost as many hours, because of having to bus around various places, and also the first time I went out, I forgot them, and had to come back. I picked up my cheque for the two days of work at the animal stuffing place. Yay, $114. I put 25 of that towards my line of credit, because I needed to, since I missed a payment last month. All I have is debt.

Am I really that much of a drain on Joel's resources, or was he really hoping to rely on me as a source of income? I don't know. I do know that he gets paid for TA-ing... But he has his own debts.

I don't feel like I live here. I just exist. I came here because Joel was here. But there isn't anything *else* for me, really. Nothing I couldn't get better and cheaper at home. Should I give up on the idea of an archaeology job here? I don't want to. I'm being stubborn, maybe, but I didn't ask Joel to put his life on pause while I was at school. I feel in some ways that that's what I'm going to have to do here, though. I don't want it. It will only make me more resentful. See how I had to use the word 'more' there? I wasn't intending it, it just came out.

I'm selfish. I hate that, But what else do I have left to be here? I'm not happy. I'm happy to be with Joel, but what I'm living is more complicated than that.

The other side to all of this is: what would I do if I were anywhere else?

If I were at home, I coudl have stayed working at Lisa's, and maybe kept looking for something else locally. I could have lived at home and not *really* had to worry about rent. I would have paid it if mom asked, sure, but it wouldn't have been a major concern. I could have donme all that, and afforded driving lessons. I can't do that here because I don't have the money.

There probably wouldn't be any more archaeology jobs for me at hoime than there are here, but I know some of the people there, at least. I have contacts. I can't afford to go and make contacts here, because the 2 day(s of meals and hotels) conference I want to attend costs 85$, and is in another city that is a $40 return ticket away. I could re-locate more easily. Here, all the jobs are in Hamilton or TO anyway. Again, 40$ return ticket. On a daily basis? Who am I kidding? What the hell am I doing here? I can't progress. I'm stuck. I don't even know if Joel is going to be in this country next year.

This is the second time I've done this ramble in the past two days. It doens't go anywhere good, so I'm stoping it now.