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posted by [identity profile] curtana.livejournal.com at 10:52am on 16/10/2004
This seems like a really good start to your story. Maybe you need some more "big questions" since you only have one at the moment, not enough to justify the plural. And...does he really have a hard time believing in things? He seems to believe several things, even in this short excerpt. Maybe he's just saying that, I don't know - I don't know enough about him yet. It just seems to be that his statement hasn't really been backed up in any way so far. And... I'm not 100% convinced by the "it would be too easy" rationale - unless he has other reasons for not just using his powers to find her, I don't think that can carry it. Is he afraid of attracting unwanted attention, maybe? Or maybe there's some other reason we don't know yet. Either way, I think there needs to at least be a hint that this isn't the only reason he's not just coincidentally locating her. And how does he already know Anna does contract graphic design work? Was that in the phone book too?

Minor corrections and comments: "into", not "in to"; comma needed between Tacoma and Washington; "long-time", not "long time"; I'd say either "to my mind" or "in my eyes", not "in my mind"; "who I abandoned six years ago" feels a bit awkward; "pure civility" - what's so pure about it?

Looking forward to reading more!
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(no subject)

posted by [identity profile] elanya.livejournal.com at 11:21am on 16/10/2004
Whoops!

It is Lori that does graphic design work, etc. Apparently that is a little unclear. He is assuming that she still does the same things now as she did in the past (apparently), but maybe *that* could be a little cleaer as well.

And he *does* have other reasons for not just going right to her, and they will become more apparent over time, yes ;) You're not supposed to be 100% convinced.

Daniel is not always as good at knowing his own mind as he wouldliek to be, or as he thinks he is, I think. He isn't necessarily 100% trustworth as a narrator, beacuse of that and other various things.

I think what I will do is make correctiong to my copy for now, and then as I get more comments (assuming I do get more comments ;p )I will incorporate them, and then replace this version with an update.

I think I mean 'mere' civility. I think.
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(no subject)

posted by [identity profile] curtana.livejournal.com at 12:09pm on 16/10/2004
Oh, the Anna/Lori mix-up was my mistake, not yours. I just wrote the wrong name in my comment :)
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(no subject)

posted by [identity profile] mrpyro.livejournal.com at 06:15am on 18/10/2004
I would write it as "never got past the point of being merely civil."

But my grammar sucks, so don't take my word for it.
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