elanya

*hugs* not everyone is cut out for the life of an academic. I'm certainly not. It doesn't make you not good enough; it just means that maybe this isn't your calling, or the right path for you. Hard work will only get you so far if you can't make yourself think like they want you to. But you *are* smart, and you *do* have a passion for your subject. That will get you somewhere good in the end. Just hang in there. Oh, yeah. And come visit me sometime.

Both AK and skjaere may be right on some regards. I would echo that I do believe in your brains and especially your passion. The academic life _may_ not be for you, who knows. It's really quite true that it's the cream of the school crop who become successful, notable academics, and even those of us who do really well in school might not be those people. But AK has a point: all kinds of people are academics, and you just need to be who you are.

Here's my point: you're doing your Master's now, so enjoy it. I realize that the thought of not continuing towards your PhD and academic career may be very scary and discouraging. I've been there myself. But give yourself some time to mull it over and consider that your current studies, even if they don't lead you farther in that direction, can be really goddamn good for you. Enjoy it, learn as much as you can, publish something. Grad studies isn't just about becoming an academic, it's about meeting people, being in a new place, and studying something that you love.

Whether you continue down this path or not, try to be comfortable with both choices, and then make the best choice for you. You have a lot of time left to think about it.

First of all, this is at least partly the bees talking. You're feeling crampy and crappy and lonely, and that is making you upset. Also, you're worried about your presentation that's coming up and frustrated by steamboats. Both of these factors are, I suspect, in large part "where this is coming from."

Secondly, as other people have said, at some point we all feel like we're not good enough to do what we want to do, or like we're really going to be found out as shams. That's the thing - everyone feels that way, even those people who seem so clever to us, who seem like they can do anything without breaking a sweat. We're all insecure, and we all think our work is shitty and useless from time to time. Remember, you're doing a heavier course load than what they recommended - if those other "clever" people aren't, then it's only natural they should be less stressed than you.

As to whether this degree is going to get you what you want, I don't know the answer to that. But I do know that you've told us that profs there have encouraged you to switch into a PhD program at some point - obviously they think you're good enough to do it. You know as well as the rest of us that even a PhD isn't a guarantee of getting exactly the career you want. You should be studying because you love what you're doing - if you find you don't love your subject anymore, then that would be the time to think about other options.

It's important to remember the reasons why you're in grad school. Grad school is the place to make contacts, especially the kind of contacts that might get you a good job - maybe not your dream job, but a good, useful job. This is what happened to me - meet even one helpful, supportive prof during your Masters and they can take you a long way. It's also the place to work on a subject you feel passionate about. There will be stupid mandatory courses at first, but once you get those out of the way, you really can study whatever you're interested in, and that's a luxury you wouldn't always have, even as a professional academic.

Finally - what to do about this. First of all, get some rest, some Midol, and make sure to eat properly, then see if you don't feel a bit better. If it's a particular assignment that's stressing you out, you can always ask for an extension - people do that all the time, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. If you're frustrated by not being able to get out to the conservation lab, find someone who goes there on a regular basis and wheedle a ride out of them. Talk to your supervisor or another sympathetic prof if you're still feeling this concerned by next week. I promise you that any prof you talk to will have felt this way at some point in their studies, and as they're familiar with this program they might have some words of advice. I don't know if it's too late for this, but maybe you can drop a course and go down to the number of course-hours they suggested - there's also no shame in that.

And finally-finally, remember that all your friends are with you, even if we're far away. *huggles*

I don't know you as well as curtana and others, obviously, but as far as I can tell you are very intelligent -- and that's without considering the many *other* personal qualities that make you awesome. And I'm a rocket scientist, for heaven's sake; I recognize intelligence when I see it.

For what it's worth, I have doubts about being in grad school too. Right now they aren't at the forefront, but they're still there. That's entirely natural. But it comes and goes.

I hope you'll feel better after the long weekend. Happy Thanksgiving/Columbus Day!

I know you can do this, and you *will* do it. Steve is right, all these other people... Everyone believes in you; and I don't think you could possibly have fooled us *all*!

I love you!