elanya

Okay, so the line is the *sign* of the ups and downs. Props to those who catch it. Most probably won't.

Today, the site of the ups and downs is here. Hot LoTR slash inside! ^-^ Including, for the (hetero) guys, a spot of Arwen/Eowyn. It's slash, though, not porn. Aharr.

In other news... I've been thinking about my life tonight. And here are some of those thoughs...

Since my big rant of last week, nothing has *really* changed in my life. Jason is here and visiting, for an indefinite period of time. he has had a job interview where Scott works now, so, who knows where that may go. I still don't have a job. I never did 'talk' to Joel. I have tried to put a bit more effort into finding work, but not *really*. I need to do that tomorrow, though... take resumes around.

I'm not depressed though. Or if I am, it is lurking pretty deeply. I'm not saying that I'm in a contantly salubrious state of existance, or that I would qualify to be anyone's ray of sunshine. I have regained my zen-like centre of balance, though.

Partly, it has been through doing little things that I have achieved this. I set out little adventures for myself. I set up that experiment with Julie. I started doing more random drawings, to stir my creativity. I make myself dance around in the empty basement. I absolutely exhilerated myself tonight by leaving a book on the bus. *On purpose*. It was a very crowded bus, someone was sure to have picked it up :D On my way home from dance class, I did some forward rolls in the snow. Because I could, and it was there, and it was a kind of physical energy that has been building in me for a while now, to do flips. I don't understand, but there you have it. I also really really really want to fight something. Not angry fight, but competitive fight. I want to *sword* fight. I want the bruises on my thigs to remind me that I need to work on my low parries, and the joys of besting an equal or a superior fighter.

Other people have also helped with my mood... sending me surprises, and whatnot. Engaging me in interesting conversations, or roleplay scenarios, and things.

I have grounded myself around my sense of adventure. I have created a source of intrigue for myself, and it sustains me, in small doses.

I wonder how fragile this is? I feel better, even good at times, sometimes better than good. Yet everything remains unresolved...