elanya

Well... that kind of helped.

I went and lay down for a bit. I also closed all the windows and cranked on the airconditioner, consideringh it was waaaay over 80 in here :p Warm = sleepy.

I don't have anything that I want to eat for dinner. I dont' have any thaw meant, so either I have to microwave something, or have fish. I don't really want to do either. I had a late lunch and I am not really hugry. I don't feel like working. I know this is a treick, because the time is zipping by. I am going to make myself go and read some when I am done this update. I will probably make myself some food at some point too. Or else, I will just order something. maybe. But didn't I just say the other day that I was going to try to do better at eating dinner? Meh.


I don't know if it is the time of month, or the point in the term which is doing this to me. I'm feeling really sensitive to things. really worried about what people are thinking about me, and other out-of-character self-consciousness. I do things like over analyze people's tone of voice, in my mind, so try and judge if they are annoyed at me, or just busy, or what. It is a depressing thing to be stuck in. I'm feeling very judged lately. I can't think of any rational reason for it, so I will put it down to hormones.

One of the effects of this is that I am taking things too seriously, or too personally. I am talking about gaming here, too. It isn't that I feel personally too wrapped up in the situation. I am not gong to break into fits if something bad happens to my character, or if things don't work out how I would like. However, I feel like my abilities to make decisions in this kind of situation are being judged. That my indecisiveness in this matter is some kind of mockably bad character flaw, and that it makes me somehow a weak or bad person, and a bad roleplayer, to boot. That doesn't make any sense at all, since no one has actually said anything in that vein about it to me. But people harassed me enough about said indecisiveness in the past that I know they are aware of it. I guess what it boils down to is this. *I* am frustrated that I can't figure out what Kalman would/should do in this situation, and since people have harassed me (in seriousness or not) about this quality (which is something I don't actually *like* about myself), both in terms of gaming, and in terms of other 'real life' situations, and combined with school stress, and probably other factors that I am unaware of, I am just feeling really irrationally upset about it. And it is such a ridiculous situation that it makes me feel even worse that it should upset me at all. As if any of my friends woulr really think I am a lesser person because I can't decide how my character would deal with a particular antagonist.

I had started to rant about the situation itself, but really, what is the point? I don't knwo when I am even goign to be able to try and deal with it. I may not have a change to do anything proactive, even if I could decide on something . I can think of plenty of plans, if it just a matter of which are actually plausible, and then chosing which is best, and which is most in character. Of course, then I get to deal with people telling me that my character is a pussy :P I guess when people tell me things like that, it seems to imply that I should have done things differently, and again, that I am playing my character wrong.

You know, this is pathetic enough. I am going to stop now and go and read There and Back Again, A Midwife's Tale My mood is probably not helped by the fact that when I got home, I found out that I missed an important phonecall this morning :(

Retrospective Edit Aftewr ai write this post, I came to realize that a lot of the anxiety I was feelign was ocmp,etely unretaled to the gaming issues, but that I was just directing it there, because it seemed like something I shoudl have more control over. I have started making myself do more work,m and since I've been feelign more productive, I have pretty much stopped even thinking about Diablotin, or at least, stopped worrying so much about what it is I am going to do. Comments people left me here helped, and partly just making myself work more helped.