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I had a weird dream where Joel's dad was writing a story about The Shadow for some competition. Probably there is a subconscious acssociation there, as the original pulp magazine author was also named Walter (Gibson). He had put all kinds of crossword puzzles in the text, which I thought was neat since it seemed to go along with the mind-teaser theme some of the original stories had. I was also really impressed that he actually had the attention span to finish writing it. I like Joel's dad, but he is pretty easily distracted. Also, in the dream he was using weird adjectives (he described a river as being 'bovine'), and I didn't know how to tell him without being mean and discouraging about it.
I am not really feeling any better this morning. Say it is just bees, or stress, or whatever... but that is not how I like to thik of myself. Maybe I am just wrong though. Maybe I am more susceptible to these kinds of things than I am letting myself remember. I wonder, if I went back through my journal, how many entrties I would find that say something along the same lines. "I don't know why I am so upset, bees don't usually do this to me." To be honest, even when the bees do get me, so to speak, it is usually *before*. I know that one of the reasons I went off the pill was that since I could never remember to take it regularly, I would have really serious bouts of depression right before they came. I would be really worried, and then they would come, and I would understand, and feel better. This kind of feels the same, only I *don't* feel any better.
I am not really taking any more courses here than I am supposed to be. I had thought about it, and decided against it, in the end. I am taking a course that people told me would be harder than it is, but I really like it. In fact, I think that Sea Power is probably *less* work than the legal class I opted out of. Also Dr. Dudley said something backwards in class (the order of progression of the admiralty flags in the Royal Navy... he said red-white-blue but it is the other way around), and *that* made me feel a little better. Maybe I should send him a 'thank you for not being infailable' e-mail.
I think part of my problem is that this program is really not as flexible as it could be. I am hoping to be able to make it do what I want, but there are some jurisdictional issues between departments that may hold me back. For example, the fieldschool that would be covered by my program is the one in the maritime department, which is underwater stuff and not what I want to do. I would rather see if I can go on the Anth historical arch fieldschool. but because of the way the departments are funded, I am worried that it won't be possible. Also, I will have to jump through some hoops in order to have it apply to my degree credits, if I can even take it. There are a lot of things like that. I 8want* a course that is strong in history and strong in the archaeoogy stuff that I think will be important to me - theory (*real* theory), and land based methodology, and lots of material culture. I fear that is not what I am getting. Theory is a joke. I'm doing a presentation on steamships in my theory class. Figure that out, because I'm having a hell of a time. This is an assigned topic. methodology stuff will all be underwater foicused, if/when I take that.
maybe I shouldn't worry about theory and method. maybe I shoudl just tell myself that this is what I got from my Sheffield degree, and be happy with that. But I feel it all slipping away the longer I sit around listening to stories from miscellaenous contract jobs our proff had in Savannah, and different ways to understand site typology... It is *almost* theory of methods, which I could accept, except that it is only there if you really look, and try hard to extract that on your own. If it were more explicit, I would be cool.... at least if it weren't mostly about underwater stuff.
As for the other people in my program... I know they aren't doing any better than me with this. Many of them are not as shy as I am about saying it either. There is much talk, in varying degrees of seriousness, about dropping out. But they still manage to pull through, and get good grades, and that is the difference. They panic, they stress, and wait until they shouldn't be able to do well, and they still do. And I don't. And *that* is what is making me feel like crap. At least, that is how I feel at the moment, but maybe I should wait until we get our next batch of papers back to really make that assessment.
I really don't know what is wrong... I feel like I am immune to encouragement. I slept well last night, I have been eating well, all of that. I physically feel better today. But I'm really tired, and I still feel like if I would let myself I would start crying again at any time. It upsets me more because I will need a nap if I want to be productive today, and I am really running out of time for this presentation. I hate being so stubbornly negative, and whiny, in public (kind of) and I apologize. I don't even know what I am hoping to accomplish with these posts.
Beh. I have to go sit in on that undergrad class soon. At least they are having a discussion (or what passes for one in a class of 50+ students) today, so all I have to do is make note of who talks. Meh.
I am not really feeling any better this morning. Say it is just bees, or stress, or whatever... but that is not how I like to thik of myself. Maybe I am just wrong though. Maybe I am more susceptible to these kinds of things than I am letting myself remember. I wonder, if I went back through my journal, how many entrties I would find that say something along the same lines. "I don't know why I am so upset, bees don't usually do this to me." To be honest, even when the bees do get me, so to speak, it is usually *before*. I know that one of the reasons I went off the pill was that since I could never remember to take it regularly, I would have really serious bouts of depression right before they came. I would be really worried, and then they would come, and I would understand, and feel better. This kind of feels the same, only I *don't* feel any better.
I am not really taking any more courses here than I am supposed to be. I had thought about it, and decided against it, in the end. I am taking a course that people told me would be harder than it is, but I really like it. In fact, I think that Sea Power is probably *less* work than the legal class I opted out of. Also Dr. Dudley said something backwards in class (the order of progression of the admiralty flags in the Royal Navy... he said red-white-blue but it is the other way around), and *that* made me feel a little better. Maybe I should send him a 'thank you for not being infailable' e-mail.
I think part of my problem is that this program is really not as flexible as it could be. I am hoping to be able to make it do what I want, but there are some jurisdictional issues between departments that may hold me back. For example, the fieldschool that would be covered by my program is the one in the maritime department, which is underwater stuff and not what I want to do. I would rather see if I can go on the Anth historical arch fieldschool. but because of the way the departments are funded, I am worried that it won't be possible. Also, I will have to jump through some hoops in order to have it apply to my degree credits, if I can even take it. There are a lot of things like that. I 8want* a course that is strong in history and strong in the archaeoogy stuff that I think will be important to me - theory (*real* theory), and land based methodology, and lots of material culture. I fear that is not what I am getting. Theory is a joke. I'm doing a presentation on steamships in my theory class. Figure that out, because I'm having a hell of a time. This is an assigned topic. methodology stuff will all be underwater foicused, if/when I take that.
maybe I shouldn't worry about theory and method. maybe I shoudl just tell myself that this is what I got from my Sheffield degree, and be happy with that. But I feel it all slipping away the longer I sit around listening to stories from miscellaenous contract jobs our proff had in Savannah, and different ways to understand site typology... It is *almost* theory of methods, which I could accept, except that it is only there if you really look, and try hard to extract that on your own. If it were more explicit, I would be cool.... at least if it weren't mostly about underwater stuff.
As for the other people in my program... I know they aren't doing any better than me with this. Many of them are not as shy as I am about saying it either. There is much talk, in varying degrees of seriousness, about dropping out. But they still manage to pull through, and get good grades, and that is the difference. They panic, they stress, and wait until they shouldn't be able to do well, and they still do. And I don't. And *that* is what is making me feel like crap. At least, that is how I feel at the moment, but maybe I should wait until we get our next batch of papers back to really make that assessment.
I really don't know what is wrong... I feel like I am immune to encouragement. I slept well last night, I have been eating well, all of that. I physically feel better today. But I'm really tired, and I still feel like if I would let myself I would start crying again at any time. It upsets me more because I will need a nap if I want to be productive today, and I am really running out of time for this presentation. I hate being so stubbornly negative, and whiny, in public (kind of) and I apologize. I don't even know what I am hoping to accomplish with these posts.
Beh. I have to go sit in on that undergrad class soon. At least they are having a discussion (or what passes for one in a class of 50+ students) today, so all I have to do is make note of who talks. Meh.
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sleepy