Lore is part of the fun of Battleship, but it has no bearing on the actual game. You can skip posts tagged "lore" if you just want the game instructions.
When we left our heroes...
You take your winnings off to the Shoulder Dragon Cafe, planning to settle in for some hot pot and a well-deserved rest. You also really want your new octopus friend to meet the shoulder dragons; you think they'd get along well.
But when you step through the door of the cafe, there's a weird shimmering blur. It's magic, but not a kind you've ever seen before.
Inside the cafe, things seem... different. Everything looks flat, and pastel-colored. Every sound is tinny, and just at the edge of hearing, there's a little song playing over and over and over.
"Welcome to your first day as a cook at the Shoulder Dragon Cafe!" cries a cheerful voice. It's a rainbow-colored shoulder dragon, hovering over one of the tables with jerky flaps of its wings. "I'll show you how to keep our customers happy! Are you ready? Let's get cooking!"
"Oh no," one of your companions whispers, just as you start to really regret pushing the buttons on those mysterious goblin machines. "We're in a cooking simulator."
A new round begins!
It seems homes for dwarves, mermaids, sprites, and trolls are not the only things being built on the construction site. Each day you glance out the window of the Shoulder Dragon Cafe and see curious things going on. Until one day you look and see four new buildings. Not only that, but each has a large garden sectioned off. Taking a closer look, you see it’s not only vegetables growing. Is that pizza? Is that a bone?
“You’ve leveled up,” one of the Shoulder Dragon Cafe sprites tells you all as you look out the window, watching. “Time to go across the way.”
You'll miss the Shoulder Dragon Cafe. People, creatures, and animals have come from far and wide to taste test the delicacy of your hot pot. But you know the call to adventure still whispers – and you’d like to get home. Maybe. Eventually.
So gathering both old and new friends, you venture across, and as you get closer you see that atop each building is a fruit. The Fraise Lounge reads one, a juicy red strawberry good enough to eat just out of your reach. The Pear Wiggler that does indeed seem to be wiggling. The Lemon Pucker Cafe and Adult Bookstore that smells of sharp, tart citrus wafting through the air. The Enchanted Vine that sparkles above you.
Suddenly, a dwarf appears from under the ground. He shakes the dirt from his head and takes you all in. He might be small, but he makes you feel even smaller, like he can see right through you. “Are you the replacements?”
You don’t know what to say.
“For the golems,” the dwarf says. He sniffs. “I have to say, not sure you’ll be able to live up to them.”
“Well,” you say, “we can certainly try.”
The adventurers gather around this small, strange man and stare at the four cafes. Just as you’re about to start helping divide up teams, you hear something coming from the nearby lake. You stop, frozen in fear, as four huge octopuses rise from the water. They’re various shades and you’re pretty sure at least some of them have to mean poison: yellow, red, green, and purple.
Before anyone can react, the octopuses span the distance between you and them, and begin to toss players toward the different cafes. You find yourself flying through the air, sure this is the end of you, but thanks to the magic of fiction, you land safely on your feet.
Team Grape
You are one of the lucky adventurers to end up at the bright purple door of the Enchanted Vine. You can smell the tang of wine, of juice, the fresh greenery of grape vines that all but engulf the cafe’s windows.
Before you can knock, the door flies open and a woman in a loud purple dress stands there. Her clothes seem to move on their own, flowing in the nonexistent wind. You try and see beyond her but the vines have made the inside dark. You can smell something delicious, and your stomach grumbles.
“Enough of that,” the woman says. “It’s about time you’re here. Quickly now, it’s lunch rush soon and we need our vegetables.”
Well, you said you wanted a job.
“Oh!” The woman says suddenly. “Make sure you get plenty of dirt, too. You want to upgrade the cafe, don’t you? We’ve been hoping to install that patio for a while. Let the customers get some sunshine, you see.”
Your eyes still haven’t adjusted to seeing inside the cafe with how dark it is. You can’t imagine it’s a popular cafe.
And did she say dirt to… upgrade? Whatever, this place is weird enough, might as well listen to what she says.
When you step onto the loony dirt of the gardens, a screen appears before you. X-ray scans available: 144.
It just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
“Uh,” you manage to ask, “what’s your name?”
The woman waves you off. “Just call me the manager.”
Team Lemon
The Lemon Pucker is a maze of a place, with lots of cozy nooks for reading and some curtained booths in the back for… um… let's just say those are for private reading. The air is filled with the scent of tangy citrus. Patrons are drinking lemon verbena tea and nibbling on lemon poppyseed cake. It's well-lit and peaceful, and you wish you could just sit down and enjoy it.
But you're here to work, and the cafe manager immediately pops out from behind the counter and bustles over to you. He's short and round and is wearing a yellow t-shirt that says It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine. "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" he cries. "We're so happy you're here!"
He introduces himself as Mr. Snikkit ("No relation, it's a different spelling, you know") and takes you out behind the cafe to where there's a big garden plot. It looks totally barren. Nonetheless, Mr. Snikkit gives you all shovels and instructs you to start digging.
"What are we going to dig for?" you ask skeptically.
Mr. Snikkit gives you an encouraging smile. "Whatever you find!"
Someone behind you snorts. "I don't think we're going to find anything but dirt."
"Oh, yes, save the dirt!" Mr. Snikkit exclaims. "Very important dirt."
He dashes back into the cafe, saying something about dragons and golems. None of it makes any sense, but that's par for the course.
As you fan out across the garden plot, looking for places to dig, a display pops up with your level goals and tools. Apparently you can use an X-ray machine for… something… 144 times. Maybe to see what's happening in those curtained booths.
You stare out at the dirt (important dirt) and sigh. It was more interesting at the Shoulder Dragon Cafe, where you got to actually cook. But grinding is how you level up, so you heft your shovel and set to work.
Team Pear
You sigh with relief at this interlude leaving you alive and on dry land. You’ve been deposited in front of the Pear Wiggler, so you decide that this must be the place to start.
You push open the suspiciously juicy door and see a space where the architect’s plans must have gone pear-shaped – rather literally, as the interior is in the shape of a giant pear. Staircases run along the edges of the café, leading to suspended booths of various sizes, and a fountain of pear juice occupies the center. The ceiling is covered in pears that are wiggling in a most disconcerting manner.
“Oh, the new employees!” a passing server says. “Thank pear — we really have been noticing the golems' absence.” Like everyone else, he is dressed in bright green, with a hat that looks like a giant pear has been mashed on top of his head. Somehow, it, too, seems to be wiggling. “Quick, go report to the manager. We don’t have much time before the lunch rush, and I think the kitchen was running out of vegetables.” You allow yourself to be directed to the base of the pear juice fountain and think that a quick run to the market to buy new ingredients would be a nice and easy task to start with, assuming you don’t get waylaid by the octopus or something else ridiculous in your usual fashion.
The manager, however, disabuses you of this notion. “Oh good,” she says. Somehow, in her green dress, she looks like a giant pear with legs. She has a slightly less giant pear smooshed on her head. You think you can see the juice dripping down her hair. “The vegetables are ready for harvesting. Go out and dig them up.”
You nod, hoping there won’t be any sudden floods or cave-ins or giant creatures flinging you about. A glance at the garden patch reveals nothing but dirt is visible. “I don’t see any vegetables?”
“That’s what the x-ray machine is for,” she says, and points at a cubical contraption on somewhat rickety-looking wheels. “On the screen you can see your vegetable target for this morning. Oh, and remember to save the dirt you dig up!”
With that, she leaves you to the dirt. You see a bunch of ostensibly vegetable-related numbers, as well as the text X-ray scans available: 144.
Suddenly, a pear mashes itself onto your head. You yelp and look around – all your friends are also newly bepeared.
“Just because you’re new doesn’t mean you can violate dress code!” the Manager shouts.
You sigh as the pear juice drips down your cheek. Looks like there’s nothing for you to do but start digging.
Team Strawberry
The sweet, luscious smell of ripe strawberries fills your nose as you step into the Fraise Lounge. It's a large yet cozy space, with big soft pink armchairs and green runners twining up the legs of hand-carved wooden tables. All the servers wear cute little hats of strawberry leaves and polka-dotted pink aprons. And there sure are a lot of servers, all bustling around trying to look busy, even though there's hardly anyone else here.
"Excuse me," you say as one hurries past with an empty tray. You're pretty sure she's just been carrying that tray back and forth across the cafe and won't mind the interruption. "Um, we've been assigned to cook here."
"Oh thank goodness," the server exclaims. "Stray! It's the new group!"
Stray is apparently the name of the person who comes out of the kitchen, wiping their hands on their apron. They've gone a step further than the servers and dyed their hair green, arranging it into leaf-like sections above their cheerful pink face. Or… are those actual leaves? You don't want to stare, but you've also never seen a strawberry/human hybrid before.
"About time," they say, gesturing for you to follow them through the kitchen and out the back door. "Since the golems vanished, we've been struggling to meet demand."
"Not to be rude," you say, "but... what demand? You don't seem to get a lot of customers."
"Just wait until the lunch rush!" Stray laughs. "Trust me, we'll need everything you can dig up and then some."
The garden plot is a big square of plain dirt. "But nothing's growing out here," you say.
Stray hands you a shovel with a wink. "Start digging. You might be surprised. And save the dirt – if we get enough to build a patio, we can handle even more customers."
As you take the shovel, a dashboard appears with a set of indicators: target amounts of vegetables, something hidden with a question mark, and the confusing sentence X-ray scans remaining: 144. It's weird being inside a video game, but at least you're clear on what to do next. The other members of your team get shovels, and you begin to dig.
Instructions for Board 1 are here.
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fan_flashworks at 01:24pm on 17/07/2025
tired
