New – hire? You look out front just in time to see an enormous yellow octopus sucker across the front yard and up the front window. The dragon breathes magic at it, seemingly annoyed.

“Go!” Mr. Snikkit calls, feverishly wringing out the mop. “Keep the octopus happy, you can show them the ropes later!”

You head out front, jumping over octopus arms as they grab patio furniture and throw it. The octopus and dragon seem to be in a slap fight, and you try to stand in the way. “Okay,” you try, pushing on the octopus’s squishy flesh. “No fighting?”

In response, the octopus slaps at you with a tentacle and the dragon breathes magic at you, but you dodge the tentacle and the magic washes over the dirt you’re still holding. Instead of golems this time, the dirt transmutes into little ceramic objects you can hear saying things. They’re the perfect size to fit into an ear, and when you pick them up you can hear voices? The dragon’s magic has made magic translators this time, and you can hear what the dragon and the octopus are saying.

“Just add another prompt to the collection, oh my god,” the dragon says with a huff. “Have you considered requesting more prompts?”

“I already have fourteen prompts!” the octopus says, thrashing in agitation. “I included five CCoF requests and nobody has even looked at them! Do you think I need to nominate some new tags? I could do Original Work, but no one is looking at my requests! I have nothing to read, and nothing to look at or listen to!”

It looks like to keep the octopus happy you’ll need to – make some gifts? A quick glance at what the octopus is talking about shows requests for art, and fic, and podfic, all waiting to be fulfilled. And you can absolutely do that. As the dragon breathes more magic under the roiling hotpot and the octopus bashes pieces of machinery together, you wave a hand to flag down the octopus. “Hello!” you call. “Can you tell me more about what you want for art or fic? And you mentioned you like podfic, too?”

Lemon Boss 2 progress tracker

Lemon Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

( Boss 2 Rules )

“And there!” Fuzang says as the pterodactyl fairies place the final machine component on the blueprint’s outline. “I can write so many papers on this!” It is, for the moment, an inert item – not to mention, more a vaguely shaped set of pieces than an assembled machine – but this does not reduce your joy one bit: you dug it all up!

Pearry the X-ray machine bleeps happily, satiated by the glorious dirt left behind by the Dirt Empire. Now that its mission is complete, it’s certainly earned the time to rest and recharge.

“What do you think this thing is for?” one of you asks Fuzang as he starts to assemble the components, flicking over hinges and pulling around wires and screwing pieces together.

“Well, I think we can safely discard ‘ritual purposes,’ given how intricate yet non-decorative it is,” he explains. Then, as he is turning two pieces over, examining where they should join, he pauses. “Interesting. From the look of their materials, I suspect these components are for two machines, and not only one like we’ve theorized. Fascinating!”

You all take a well-deserved rest while Fuzang splits the components into two sets and attempts to build two machines… but all in vain, as no combination seems to work.

You hear Pearry still rolling about – busy enjoying its role as Heir of Dirt, you suppose – and beyond that, the shouts of your separated companions (and whirring of their X-ray machines) at their respective cafes. You're pretty sure that you've dug up all the relics and components present here at the Pear Wiggler, but maybe your friends have also found something? You do have a tendency to end up doing the exact same things, no matter how far you start from each other.

When you bring this up to Fuzang, he perks up. “I did hear some of my colleagues from other universities are also trying to get dig permits in this region. Hmm, the Congress on Early Ancient Civilizations is coming up in a month or so. I'll ask at the end of my plenary talk!” He wiggles with excitement, pear hat wobbling in counterpoint. “Oh, thank you, this is going to let us understand the material conditions of the Dirt Empire so much better! This is amazing! It's the best day of my life!”

The café has closed, the Manager has gone home and won't disturb you, and the octopus is nowhere to be seen. Given past experience, your friends should come through soon enough – at least, much faster than Fuzang's scientific conference – so you won't be here that long. As you wait, some of you help a very excited Fuzang document the day’s excavation process, while others sit down and tell stories (the taco plant features prominently).

From what you can tell, Fuzang split the pile of component parts in half. Perhaps some of your companions will find the other half of both structures…

TEAM PEAR WINS FIRST PLACE!

But the game isn’t over yet! One more team needs to dig up all their machine components to finish rebuilding the machines buried beneath the café gardens.

All work caps are lifted! Once a second team digs up all their machine components, the game will end, and then there will be a 48-hour editing period before works are revealed. Please remove placeholders and otherwise make sure your works are ready to go live!

Teams in joint third place will be able to continue playing, even after the collections reveal – stay tuned for further details.

"Hello?" you call, fumbling toward where you think the door is. "Stray? Dwayne?"

"Right here!" the octopus booms cheerfully. You can just see his huge red head in the light filtering through the kitchen window. "Your songs were so rockin' that I just had to build a fog machine for proper atmosphere!"

You suppose that's a positive review.

You make your way outside, where the fog is just as thick. "Careful," comes Runner's voice as winding tendrils form a fence to guide you. "Don't step in the golems."

Avoiding the mud, you nearly stumble over the wheelbarrow. "Oh, hello!" calls Professor Zzt, his sparks winking and glimmering faintly. "You found some wonderful things! These scrolls make it clear that French fry plants came to this continent hundreds of years earlier than previously supposed!"

"That's great," you wheeze. "Do you know how to send us home?"

"Home? What do you mean?"

"We're not supposed to be in this game," you explain. "Some kind of goblin machinery dropped us into it. We want to get back out."

"Goblins! Fascinating!" The tiny professor alights on your hand. Fortunately the occasional spark that lands on your skin only stings a little. "Tell me more."

So you tell him all of it, how you went from simple seafaring to serious adventuring, first as opponents and then as companions and friends.

Zzt listens intently. He pulls an ancient scroll from the wheelbarrow, licks the end of a French fry, and starts writing, muttering to himself. When you finish your tale, he frowns down at his notes. Then he peers at the scroll itself and brightens. "That's it!" he cries. "Look!"

"I can't see it," you tell him.

"It's a diagram for just the sort of machine that might do the trick!" A shower of sparks falls as he flutters his wings in excitement. "It might even be buried here!"

You really should have seen that coming. But with this fog, Dwayne and all his cousins could be stampeding towards you and you wouldn't see them coming.

Anyway, if this machine can send you home, you're much more excited to go looking for it. There's a noisy clatter and someone shouts that they found the shovels. "Pass me one!" you call. "Let's get digging!"

Strawberry Board 3 Grid and List of Goals

Strawberry Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

The first team to uncover every machine component will win the 2025 round of Battleship Exchange! The remaining teams will continue competing until one claims second place.

“Oh great. The octopus built a fog machine,” the Manager says.

Perhaps teaching it how to tinker with machinery wasn’t the best idea. You stay incredibly quiet.

“I guess it’ll have to be part of the ambience,” the Manager sighs and walks off.

You take this opportunity to sneak out back to the grounds. The fog is incredibly thick here as well, and you can barely even see where the plot is, let alone what’s in it, but all those bones and machinery pieces have you invested. There’s something in the ground here, and you have a burning urge to discover what it is.

“Ooh,” Professor Fuzang says over your previously excavated pile of bones and machinery. When you walk closer, you can see that he, too, now has a wiggling pear mashed onto his head. He somehow makes it look dignified. “You know, I think I recognize this culture. The Dirt Empire reigned here long ago, and left behind several kinds of artifact, usually attested only as fragments. I believe that these objects usually accompany a much larger object, in roughly this shape.” He sketches a shape on the ground with a talon. “We haven’t ever found the full object, and extant samples are so weathered it’s hard to do more than speculate on the function, but all the other objects you’ve excavated are incredibly well-preserved, so we might be able to discover something new! My colleagues have speculated it is an object for ‘ritual purposes,’ so I would be thrilled to be able to discover the actual function.”

You look at the sketch. Of course, there’s no telling how many pieces it will be in, nor the size, but you’re in too deep now. You must discover what this relic of the Dirt Empire is, and what it is for; and for that, you shall dig down. Long live dirt! Long live the Dirt Empire!

Pear Board 3 Grid and List of Goals

Pear Collection | Prompt Collection (AO3) | Prompt Collection (Automagic App)

The first team to uncover every machine component will win the 2025 round of Battleship Exchange! The remaining teams will continue competing until one claims second place.