elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
I just had a stress dream about some non-local friends. They had bet and been befriended by this person who was just completely taking advantage of their kindness and generosity in ways that seemed subtle but were really glaring from the outside, and I just didn't know what to do. I have no idea were this dream came from!

Dream! )

Despite saying I have no idea where this dream came from, I can probably piece together a few things. My friends have been dealing with family health stuff and not around much, so I am concerned about them being isolated. I'm worried about my own ability to fit in to new communities and make friends. And of course I've just been reading a lot about, basically, radicalization of young white dudes into the alt-right. Apparently these things are not a good mix for my imagination.
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
I slept for crap last night. As much as I say I'm getting better, is seems like I wnd up coughing a lot whenever I actually go to lie down to sleep, so that's fun. But the sinus congestion is definitely improving, so there is that! last night I also wound up getting disrupted a few times a I was going to bed, and it took me longer to actually get there than intended. I've been having sort of stressy dreams the past tow nights as well, but I barely remember any scraps of them. I think last night was employment related. I know I wound up doing a lot things I wasn't expecting, and basically never got to stop/sit down, and that my attitudes o thins in the dream were mixed. The night before last they were more violent, with me trying unsuccessfully to harm people I care about. Thanks for that, brain? I don't remember a lot of details, thankfully, but they felt very vivid and true at the time, so extra ugh.

I had kitty cuddles last night during family Voltron time ( have seen the whole of the show, but no one else here has yet). I took a reactine, knowing I would then have a terrible antihistamine hangover today. I do in fact have one of those - I slept in until 11 and had a hard time making myself get out of bed, and have been exhausted and brain-foggy all day, despite caffeine. It never used to have this kind of effect on my (other antihistamines do it too, and they also never used to), so yay body, thanks for that.

Despite the brain fog, I went out to the mall with my sister to use a coupon on chocolate, then helped her make soup for dinner, baked a cake, and made some valentines for the family (mostly for the kids, but enh). Dinner shortly, I believe, to enjoy that soup, which smells amazing.

The cake is for the 'Family cake walk'. There is a cakewalk at school tomorrow, but the kids wanted to have one at home. So I said I would bake a cake, but that we would draw names, and whoever won gt to decide what kind of cake to make. And I won! So I'm making my classic childhood birthday cake, which is a black forest (but not an authentic one.... chocolate cake, cherry pie filling, and whipped cream). I'll make the cream for it tomorrow and we can have ti for dessert. Nugsy thinks a cake walk should be when you walk and eat cake. I can't disagree that it's a great idea!

And now - dinner time :)
Mood:: 'brain-foggy' brain-foggy
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
This is one of those entries i am probably going to have to force myself to post rather than just delete. But I haven't posted anything in 5 days, as I've been away. I did write some paper journal entries on...less than half...of those days. Ugh. I had good intentions, I just didn't have a lot of time to myself, and not a lot of emotional energy.

The service was nice - an informal drop-in sort of thing for people to come see the family and such. I think it was a lot more work for them emotionally, especially Cat's mother and grandfather, than they probably needed. Just a lot of people to talk to and so on. I saw a few people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, and met some more relatives and co-workers. There were pictures up, and some figurines we'd brought from his house, and a slide show of pictures. Afterwards, a bunch of us went to the Diplomat, which is a 24hour Chinese-Canadian restaurant where we used to make many a late night foray. They did some renovations to the place since we used to be there all the time, but it was the same as the last time we went as a group which was about 2011. the food was pretty much the same, though they have really changed their soup portions and now they are huuuuge. This restaurant is responsible for my disappointment that sweet and sour chicken doesn't come as battered chicken balls everywhere. They also have some pretty good cakes and cheesecakes, though they didn't have the one that Pretentia wanted.

It was really really nice to see her, and to be there for her. She and Cat were closer than siblings in a lot of ways, and I know she is totally devastated. She is also closer to the family, and has been helping Cat's mother with a lot of things. I did go up to his place a few times with her, and we checked in on the kitties (so fat.... so so so fat), changed their litter, fed them, petted them. We did some nominal tidying to start (some had already been done), but I ran a load of dishes through the dish washer, and such. I compiled some notes from IRC friends who has messaged him there before he fell offline (;_;) for his mother, and took down some information about some other servers where he may have spent time so I can let people there know as well. I think all the major place have been contacted though. His mother has basically given us (his friends/online friends) leave to deal with his computer/online things as we see fit, but unfortunately it isn't all that simple, as there is money and authority involved, and as the executor of his estate, there will be things she has to handle at least initially. Things like pics accounts set to automatically renew, and his websites and all of that :/ I made sure to upload some of his one page sites into the wayback machine, and will probably let them go. But the wiki we have used for our games for the past ten years is in his name, and that needs to get sorted out. I also tried to copy the dice rolling script that he wrote and that we used for a lot of out online games..... but I can't get it to work :( I really want to have that available still, as something that he made for us.

Anyway. I flew back to Ontario on Monday night, into Hamilton, then drove an hour and a half to London, and then left again for Windsor, where I am now. I'd told Nary I would come spend a few days with her when I got back, since she couldn't come to the memorial, so here I am. I wish I had brought my dog though. I miss her fuzzy face - someone else's dog s not *quite* the same, even if they are a very nice giant fluffball, as Argo is. I also feel guilty because I had originally told my sister that I would go with her when she went to get her tattoo today (and then leave early to get the kids after school), but there was some miscommunication about the fact that I was going *and* I had completely forgotten that it was this week (despite remembering last week? I don't know, my brain has been a mess). And I don't know, I'm just feelign very stressed out.

I had a lot of stressy dreams last night, mostly Larp-contexted. I think probably because I realized that I am missing an event this weekend that I had hoped to get to, as it seemed like a nice casual opportunity to rp, and the single day events are generally easier for me to get to, so meh. But it was a lot of things like.... my tent was covered in giant angry bees/hornets that were also dying, so I couldn't get into it and then I had to be careful, I'd forgotten all my gear, or had gear for the wrong character, or I tried to borrow stuff from my sister without asking and she was cranky with me (deservedly). I don't remember them super clearly, because I kept waking up in the middle of the night (or partly waking), and then trying to go back to sleep, so it is more like a string of snippets I only half remember than anything coherent. The tent was exactly my tent from my last summer at the buttermilk excavation, when I borrowed Brad's tent, set in the same copse of trees and covered with a tarp sunshade in the same way. The bees/hornets were the length of my palm. I could probably describe some of the larp clothes I had and didn't have. One of the characters I had was entirely a dream fabrication, and they wore this cool leather dress/bodysuit sort of thing that was so unique I couldn't wear it for my real character (Zia). I don't remember anything else about them.

I have things I should be doing, and things I could be doing, and I'm not doing anything. On the one hand it is nice to have some alone time, on the other hand, I am missing having my own space today. It is grey and blah out and I basically feel the same way. I feel like I'm living in other people's lives without actually living my own, and I feel frustrated and tired and stuck. But I also want to be left alone, and not have to talk to anyone unless I want to. Meh. I'm going to do some knitting and see if I feel any better after that.
Mood:: 'meh' meh
Music:: Shirley Collins & the Albion Country Band - Murder of Maria Marten
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
posted by [personal profile] elanya at 09:23pm on 07/01/2017 under , , , , ,
I slept in way late and had weird dreams. I'll grab the recap form facebook, since that was easiest to post to this AM:

I had a dream I was hanging out with my friend Mara. We were playing internet games and scratching lotto tickets. She and my sister had been playing a lot of the same online games produced by this one girl, where you could nominate characters. Someone (Mara or Nary?) had nominated a bunch of characters from tabletop games, and Mara had gotten a poster that had art of a bunch of Adventure World peeps, and we were trying to find where, and also find something with the 'invisible girlfriend' character.

Then we (? not sure who) were at this big outdoor craft/yard sale place - it was like a cross between downtown Bryan and the venue for the Woodstock Fiber Festival. I kept buying bacon cheeseburgers from the same kid for every meal. The third time we went, we parked close to where the cheeseburger table was. There wasn't really parking, but people moved an empty table for us so we could park.

Out of courtesy we looked at stuff on the tables around the car, and on one there was a pile of jumbled clothes that included a Fredericton Quilter's Guild vest (in the 80s, members had to make one). We have my mom's, so I was going to buy it to put in the kids' dress up box (where mom's is) so the could each have one. Then I broke down crying while talking to the woman who was selling it, who didn't know that mom had died, and I had to tell her.

--

In other news, this is one of those days where I'm having to remind myself that I have, in fact, done things today. I walked the dogs (twice!), I vacuumed upstairs in the hall and in my room, as well as the stairs. I did some writing, I helped with dinner prep (more in making sure we had the required dishes and a clean table), I played some with the kids, and just now I made brownies and did some kitchen tidying/cleaning. I still feel like I have been sitting around all day doing nothing, pleh.
elanya: (mask)
This morning's Facebook memory was that my graduation was three years ago today. I still have mixed feelings about my degree and I'm not sure I'll ever get over them. And that about sets up the mood for this post. )

I'm not sure why it is easier to make any kinds of posts when all I have is meh news.... maybe because when I'm feeling better I'm doing other stuff and it is harder to find the time. I dunno, I'll try and balance things out, I feel like when I do make long posts it is always the same thing in just slightly different iterations. I need some new icons but I don't know what they should be.

ETA: Of course, having posted this, I just got a notification from a position I applied for back in March - they want to test my language skills. Not quite an interview, but a step in that direction I guess! And better than crickets.
Mood:: 'melancholy' melancholy
Music:: Probably if I'd remembered to turn some on I'd be in a better mood.
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
posted by [personal profile] elanya at 11:37am on 05/08/2015 under , ,
I had a weird, and funny dream last night! Which is good because I otherwise slept for poop :p

I dreamed that for....reasons? We were trying to recreate this scene from a Diablotin game in real life. I don't know *why* we were doing this, whether we were doing a LARP or something. But being a dream, of course it was not something that actually happened. It was the scene where someone was murdered at Kalman's father's house. Not the time that someone was actually assassinated at his house, but a different, fictional, murder.

We, or I, was trying to get the table setting figured out. I don't think we were going to do the whole table, but we needed certain props, or else maybe his father had been dining alone in his study or something. We wanted one representative place setting, anyway!

At first we were just pulling stuff out and setting it all along the wall/railing at the top of the stairs. This was like a combination of my mom's house, House of Heathers, and maybe Xypharan's house? We were bringing stuff up from the basement though.

Eventually I declared this unsafe, and we decided to set it up in this room that basically only had a round painted wooden table - it was like if my craft table was a circle instead of a rectangle. There was also another table (I think it was a white folding table?) along one wall.

We were trying to figure out what dishes would have been used by reading old game logs and such - there was one specific scene which mentioned Kalman having soup, and we had gotten out a soup bowl before we moved to this room, but were not trying to identify it from the other dishes, which I eventually did. All the dishes were glass, and they may have been pomona? Or maybe some other kind of etched glass?

For some reason [personal profile] framlingem was there helping us set things up, but she had gotten out a while bunch of glass (she was sitting on the floor sorting it out) and we were like "wait why do we need all this?" And she was working from a book that was basically like a combination of different books I actually own that had descriptions of glass place settings used in colonial homes (lol no). So we had to explain that we didn't need a full setting, just whatever they would have had out for use for this particular meal, which was more for close friends, which we would be able to figure out from the logs. Also there was something about Kalman's dad having some cutesy nickname for him that wold have been okay to use in this particular company?

I remember trying to walk around pictures or posters that had been set out on the floor as part of the preparations as well, but I'm not sure what for. Also we were expecting deliver of food that was somehow related to all of this as well...

I woke up when my brain realized how silly this whole exercise was!
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
Maybe it is the upcoming move? Maybe the changes in my physical space? Maybe the storms? I dunno, but I have been remembering my dreams a lot more lately ;p

Last night I reamed that I had borrowed my friend Ben F's bicycle. It was a large bike with a very sturdy frame, high off the ground, with very wide-set handlebars and some built in electronic features like a headlight and signal lights. It was mostly white with some dark orange, and TAKEI written in large black block letters. Because this was a bike designed by George Takei! I think his husband, Brad, had also designed one.

I don't remember a lot of other specifics (and perhaps there were none, because it was a dream). I remember some anxieties - that the bike would get stolen, that someone would think I had stolen it because I couldn't prove ownership, that I would get arrested for.... improper bike riding? And it would get seized. On the whole there were some strong parallels to some concerns I have about driving. I remember leaving a large group of people and heading to the church I went to when I was a kid (This church, if you are curious!) - around the side where the offices and the gymnasium are. It was night and I had been afraid I would forget to turn on the headlight (see above re: driving - tellingly the lights had the same mechanism to turn on as both of Kennesaw and Persianpenname's cars, which I have been driving a fair amount), and I also remember being stopped at a crossroad, worrying. I made it to the church, and didn't want to leave the bike outside, so I brought it inside and left it in the hallway between the gym and the offices and class rooms. I felt better because someone else had left their bike there, but my borrowed bike was so HUGE that with the other bike there I was afraid no one would be able to get by. And that's when I woke up. I have no idea why I was going to the church, mind, or where I was coming from, or why I had borrowed Ben's bike! I haven't even seen Ben in like 5, or possibly longer. I think my dream-self decided it was his bike because when he lived here he had a funny bike with a long almost inclined seat, so that the handlebars were relatively very high up.

I suppose it was an anxiety dream of sorts, but I mostly woke up feeling baffled and bemused. I hope you have all enjoyed this new installment of adventures in my subconscious :p
location: BACONPIT
Music:: oh yheah, that's a thing....
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
posted by [personal profile] elanya at 09:24pm on 11/05/2015 under , ,
I keep meaning, and failing, to remember to write up another dream I remembered! This was from Sunday night. I dreamed that I was hanging out with Mallory Ortberg. She suddenly had an idea for a post of some kind - unfortunately I don't remember what it was now, but it sounded interesting at the time. If I'd managed to write this down right away I *might* have remembered, ahh well!

Anyway, instead of just writing it, she had to go to St. Louis to consult with some other people from the Toast. Because Dream, we walked. Somehow, and I don't recall now if it was some kind of power of hers or what, this only took us four days (or maybe it was only four hours? either way it was impressive), even though we were leaving from Texas-that-looked-suspiciously-like-New-Brunswick. I was very impressed at her energy levels - she never got tired at all, and somehow traveling with her instilled this ability in me.

So that was my road-trip-with-Mallory-Ortberg dream. I wish I remembered more of it!
elanya: Pensive pony (Default)
posted by [personal profile] elanya at 09:51am on 08/05/2015 under , , ,
I told myself to remember to write this down when I got to work, and then forgot until I saw [profile] gailmom's dream entry.

I only have bits and pieces left now. There was a part where someone was asking me about the differences between London ON and London UK, and I told them they should ask [personal profile] longpig because she had lived in both (lies).

I have this recurring dream image of being at the bottom of a set of tall escalators with her, in the middle of a brick courtyard in an outdoor urban shopping plaza, with a bunch of luggage. Where it is changes - sometimes it is somewhere in Montreal, last night it was in London. I am always going to visit her, and we are on the way to her place. In my dream last night I remembered this happening in London when I went to visit her, and that was why I said she'd lived there.

Anyway, most of what else I remember about the dream was that I was a guy and was being bullied. It was not very time/space linear - it was partly set in my current bedroom, but with a colour scheme from my last apartment. The space was kind of Tardis-like, in that it fit a lot more people than it should have. There was also a gym, like a highschool gym.

There was something like a Hallowe'en event - something costumed, anyway. My character (the person I was in this dream - I was definitely not myself, and while I empathized with him, I never felt like this was happening to *me*, so there was some helpful emotional distance) started out going to these with very elaborate costumes. But people ignored him, or picked on him, so that he stopped putting in any effort for them. The bullies here were pretty faceless. There was only one person who noticed of said anything - I'm not sure if she was supposed to be a friend or a teacher or some other kind of mentor/authority figure. She was a short brown woman who now that I am away reminds me of a local acquaintance. Anyway, he never told her what was really happening.

Everyone was getting ready for the next dance/party in my room. One of them took... a lighter? I can't remember exactly. And they melted the top of my grey nalgene (which was also my character's - that and the room are the only overlap I recall). He was upset, but trying not to let it get to him - the top was still hot and melty. It was sitting on the craft table in my room, and one of the bullies picked it up. My character nervously told him to be careful because it was hot - partly this was concern that the bully would use it against him, and also partly worried that if something happened to the bully he would get blamed. So - trigger warning feet here - the bully (who was a young blond dude) picked it up, smiling gleefully, picked it up and pressed the melted hot plastic to the underside of his own foot and then started yelling.

My character freaked out, certain he would get in trouble for this and get kicked out of...wherever this was. And then I remember being in the dream plaza again. And then I think the cat woke me up by knocking something over.

Dreams, man.
location: BACONPIT
Music:: Broods - Never Gonna Change

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